Kill People the Green Way

What do churches, bullets and toys have in common? If you said toast you should consider getting a metal health check up, otherwise read on.

We've all heard about people steeling the copper telephone wire in developing countries and how this wouldn't happen in respectable developed countries. Well it is happening there too.

England has a lead theft problem. Thieves are peeling strips of lead off church tops to sell on the black market. The clergy, of course, are renowned for their large supply of lead or as Leonardo de Vinci said, "If you want gold and women become a King. If you want lead and children become a priest."

Why steal lead? Because lead shortages and high Chinese demand have pushed up the price of lead to all time highs.

That's right that lead painted G.I. Joe your kid is sucking on isn't only killing him slowly it's pushing up the price of lead (China just banned our blog for that comment, which is impressive since I haven't even posted it yet - those guys are really on the ball). Do you know what else they use to make lead with?

Bullets. Ammo costs have gone up and supply has dwindled (supply and demand go figure). Some blame this on the Iraqi war but here is the real culprit:

This is a live webcam of John Rambo. He is in some developing country and all he does all day is fire off endless rounds at developing soldiers. Aside from being quite the marksman (look at those headshots) and spreading democracy ("the bullet is the truest means of voting"  - George W.), Rambo is also pushing bullet costs up to the extreme. Someone needs to stop this man and get him to go from that, to this:

Yes, John Rambo there are green alternatives to killing and decapitating developing soldiers and generally spreading the goodwill of democracy, why don't you start using them?

Until someone does teach Rambo to kill in a cost effective manner Police are having to reduce the amount of target practice their recruits can get. That's right police are going to get worse at aiming. Which is not what we need when we are faced with an invasion of the Cow-Men™ /Gator-Men™ coalition.

If you want to find out more about rising metal prices and supply and demand visit Freakonomics.

Note: Due to a massive demand in truth from the general public and the miniscule supply coming from the press, politicians and big business the cost of truth is at an all time high. Unfortunately The End SA cannot afford these prices and cannot guarantee that this article is 100% true.

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Rage: I Found Another Racist

What makes us at The End more angry than ignorant racists? If you said nothing, you got the right answer. If you said Bob Saget's standup you were a close second.

I stumbled onto Wogan’s blog today who had posted a letter from some other (unknown to me) blogger, which was a response to a recent Mercury article titled 'It's not too late, say sorry for apartheid'. While Wogan seems to think that this was a sharp response, it personally made my blood boil, it ground my gears (al la Peter Griffin), it made me see red and all other synonyms for a sudden burst of rage.

Obviously the letter is either written by an ignorant moron or a wanna-be Goebbels trying to develop some new propaganda. Anyway, I’ve decided to re-write it so it makes more sense. The original is in red italics.

To the Previously Disadvantaged,

To the disadvantaged,

We are sorry that our ancestors were intelligent, advanced and daring enough to explore the wild oceans to discover new countries and develop them. We are sorry that those who came before us took you out of the bush and taught you that there was more to life than beating drums, killing each other and chasing animals with sticks and stones.

We are sorry that our ancestors were power hungry morons bent on world domination. We are sorry that those who came before us disrupted your way of life and destroyed your culture.

We are sorry that they planned, funded and developed roads, towns, mines, factories, airports and harbours, all of which you now claim to be your long deprived inheritance giving you every right to change and rename these at your discretion. We are sorry that our parents taught us the value of small but strong families, to not breed like rabbits and end up as underfed, diseased, illiterate shack dwellers living in poverty. We are sorry that when the evil apartheid government provided you with schools, you decided they’d look better without windows or in piles of ashes.

We are sorry that they abused, tortured, killed, raped and exploited you as slaves so that they could develop roads, towns, mines, factories, airports and harbours, in order to further exploit your land and resources. We are sorry that our culturally imposed values and culture that our parents have passed onto us and we used to redefine your country undermine your values and culture. We are sorry that the evil apartheid government only provided you with schools that offered a compromised education to ensure your oppression.

We happily gave up those bad days of getting spanked in our all white schools for doing something wrong and much prefer these days of freedom where problems can be resolved with knives and guns. We are sorry that it is hard to shake off the bitterness of the past when you keep on raping, torturing and killing our friends and family members, and then hide behind the fence of “human rights” with smiles on your faces.

We happily give up those bad days when problems were solved with an “ask questions later” mentality. When the innocent were abducted, tortured, detained and killed without evidence or trial. We are sorry that we let the crimes of the minority make us bitter to the rest of your race. We are sorry that we are still racist.

We are sorry that we do not trust the government. We have no reason to be so suspicious because none of these poor hard working intellectuals have ever been involved in any form of corruption or “irregularities”. We are sorry that we do not
trust the police force and, even though they have openly admitted that they have lost the war against crime and criminals, we should not be negative and just ignore their corruption and carry on hoping for the best.

We are sorry that we do not trust the government even though the corruption and “irregularities” that occur in it are not far different from the governments of the countries which raped your land in the first place. We are sorry that we blame the crime on the inabilities of the new police force, when the seeds for such anarchy were nurtured in the hate and one sidedness of the previous one.

We are sorry that it is more important to you to have players of colour in our national teams than winning games and promoting patriotism. We know that sponsorship doesn’t depend on a team’s success.

We are sorry that for us ‘winning is all that matters’ and that we don’t care about having representative sports teams and promoting patriotism, even though out teams have still excelled on the field.

We are sorry that our border posts have been flung open and now left you competing for jobs against illegal immigrants from our beautiful neighbouring countries. All of them countries that have grown into economic powerhouses after kicking out the “settlers”. We are sorry that we don’t believe in witchcraft, beetroot and garlic cures, urinating on street corners, virginity testing, slaughtering of bulls in our back yards, trading women for cattle and other barbaric practices. Maybe we just grew up differently.

We are sorry that our counter parts have destroyed our neighbouring countries and that we don’t appreciate you efforts in the situation. We refuse to accepts or admit just how much harm we have done. We are sorry that we do not attempt to accommodate or except your cultures even though some of ours involve eating the blood and flesh of humans, taking expensive cough syrup (which does nothing), urinating on street corners, cooking our skin in the sun, starving ourselves for fashion and other barbaric practices.

We are sorry that your medical care, water supplies, roads, railways and electricity supplies are going down the toilet because skilled people who could have planned for and resolved these issues had to be shown away because they were of the wrong ethnic background and now have to work in foreign countries where their skills are more needed. We are so sorry that we’d like this country to fulfil its potential so we can once again be proud South Africans.

We are sorry that we are so against affirmative action and what it stands for. We are sorry that we can never acknowledge the new government’s achievements but linger on the failures. We are sorry that many of us have a bad case of ‘swart gevaar’ and left the country because of this. Most of all we are sorry that we never wanted apartheid to end, we just wanted to change its name and make some of its policies less cruel.

The Previously Advantaged

The Advantaged

Whoever wrote that letter and those who find it amusing are the very poison that makes me ashamed to be white. Why are we such a disgusting race?

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Who the Hell is: Roland Barthes

Was Roland Barthes simply a guy who smoked cigarettes and looked non-chalant? Find out here.

The Just: Roland Barthes was a sickly Frenchman. While some would probably use the term sick to refer to his sexual or religious orientation the word is used here quite literally. Barthes suffered from bouts of poor health throughout his life. Which prevented him from being part of the more prestigious academic institutions of French academic life but also meant he could skip out on the draft during World War 2.

Born on November 12, 1915 Barthes lost his father to an act of man (a naval battle during WWI) at the age of one. Without a father figure Barthes was raised solely by his mother, Bill O’Reilly would probably argue that this turned him gay. His mother would prove to be the one true great love of his life as Barthes proved to be a tragic lover generally falling in love with the 'wrong' man. Or O'Reilly would argue, the wrong gender (If you haven't worked it out yet O'Reilly is homophobic).

Barthes would become most famous for a series of bimonthly articles he wrote for Les Lettres Nouvelles (those French and there crazy magazine names), these articles would latter be published in English in Mythologies and The Eiffel Tower and Other Mythologies. These articles dissected the ideological beliefs of modern day culture in the most seemingly ordinary everyday aspects of life. For instance kids toys teach kids to be part of society and stripping is about avoiding nudity.

Barthes died tragically in 1980. While crossing a road after a party (probably drunk) he was hit by a laundry truck (yes a laundry truck). He died a month later on the 25 March 1980 in hospital after failing to recover from his injuries. Friends of his said he just didn't seem to have the will to live anymore since his mother died 3 years earlier – the laundry truck just sped up the process.

The Scandal: Apparently had a friends with benefits relationship with fellow French philosopher Michel Foucault. Barthes ended things because he was jealous of Foucault's promiscuity and their friendship never recovered.

Probably Not True: It is reported that whenever Barthes uttered the word “Shazam!” he would transform into a superhero and defend France from the criminally insane.

Key Concepts: The man had more ideas than a JFK conspiracy theorist. He had a theory for everything and unlike most academics he was his own worst critic constantly re-evaluating and adopting new theories whenever his older ones began to become popular.

No 1. Myth:

Before reading this you might want to brush up on the concept of the sign. Now the problem with the sign is that the whole concept is pretty neutral. So it doesn’t explain the whole idea of say propaganda or ideology.

That’s right ideology or a belief system. Obviously when people talk they transport their beliefs through language but this isn’t always done in the regular direct fashion. We use things like simile or metaphor and things take on different connotations.

Barthes’s purpose with myth was to dissect the underlying belief systems that were fused into everyday life (rather than just claiming it’s common sense). Yeah, that’s right common sense is lame.

So what we think is common sense is in fact a myth – or an element of culture that makes itself appear natural when in fact it has a historical origin based on an ideology. For instance for years scientists made claims that the left side of men’s brains were more developed, while for women it was the right side. This enforced the whole notion of men being logical and rational, while women were intuitive. However, now that ideologies of gender equality are becoming more and more prominent scientists are finding that there is no difference between the development of men and women’s brains. Ola.

Barthes read cultural practices searching for these hidden ideologies by investigating that which he called “falsely obvious”. The only problem is that in investigating an object which myth works through, the object does not cease to be that object, thus making the whole process seem more concrete. For example in No Country for Old Men Chigurh’s coin represents fate or destiny but it does not cease being a coin.

Barthes expands the sign to explain this. There is a signifier and a signified that combine to make a sign – this is a first order system. But then myth hijacks this sign by turning the first order sign into a signifier of another sign. So myth is a second order system. Basically think of a step and then add another step onto it. The second step depends on the first.

Barthes uses the terms denotation and connotation to explain this. Denotation refers to the first order meaning and connotation refers to the second order meaning. Thus, Chigurh’s coin denotatively represents a coin but the connotation of it is fate.

In Short:

• Signs can have layers of meaning
• Myth is a sign that is built on another sign
• Denotation refers to the first order sign
• Connotation refers to the second order sign

More ideas coming soon...

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James Blunt Toughens Up

Sick of losing record sales because people think James Blunt is a sissy boy, his label have launched an evil plan to fool the masculine-macho man into buying his albums.

I'm not much of a James Blunt fan. I don't have the bursting red-eye, steaming ears, hyperventilating kind of contempt that some people have for him. But I definitely don't think he's the best musician to walk the earth since men started to walk like Deon Malan does.

This is probably why I only saw his new album cover today. Obviously after his first album came out there was a lot of criticism of Blunt being a she-man. Thus, he grew some facial hair and told stories about the army. It seems his record agency didn't think this was enough and decided to make use of some subliminal mind control techniques to load the singers image with some hulking testosterone.

Here is the singers latest album cover paired with another image from pop culture.

Notice any similarities? Of course you do. And in case you are blind and couldn't work it out the man on the right is none other than the punch line that is now the Red-Blooded conservative male - Chuck Norris.

Yes, it appears that to make Blunt appear tougher and thus appeal to left handed red-necks his record company have tried to sculpt his image to resemble that of Norris.

This is of course another instance of people trying to cash in on Norris's recent satirical fame, which is pretty much coming to an end. However, this stunt is nowhere near as shameful as Republican presidential contender Mike "Fuck evolution, fuck it up its stupid ass" Huckabee's use of Norris in his campaign. See the video below.

If only Huckabee had the political finesse of his running mate Stephen Colbert. Then maybe he'd get a few votes.

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Not So Great Expectations

What do you expect from an article about expectations? Hopefully not much... other than some really neat philosophy that is!

Expectations play a major part in our lives. Probably far greater than most of us realize. Somewhere along the course of our existence a ludicrous amount of expectations are implanted into us. Some of these come from formal systems of thought such as religion and art, while others spurn from social interaction and advertising. One could quite easily write a book about the various ways we become entwined with expectations but that is not the purpose of this post.

Rather I would like to take the opportunity to look at expectations and their relationship with pleasure. It is clear that there is a definite link between the two. If ones expectations are met or exceeded there is usually some form of pleasure felt. On the other hand if ones expectations are not met there is usually some form of negative emotion invoked.

One of these negative emotions is anger. If you buy a new DVD player and it doesn't work you will get angry. It doesn't matter if you brought a region 1 DVD player when all your DVD's are region 2, what matters is that you expected your DVD player to play your DVD's. So at first your anger will be directed at your DVD player but then when your realize that it was your mistake you may redirect your anger upon yourself or to the sales-assistant who assured you that it would work with region 2 DVD's.

But maybe you don't get angry. Maybe instead you become disappointed and maybe this leads to serious depression. The point is that when expectations are not met some form of negative emotions usually consume us and obviously this is a relative process – the higher ones expectations and the less they are met the more negative the reaction.

I'm sure almost everyone has been in a situation when they have received test results back and have been rather pleased with their mediocre pass, only to hear how disappointed someone who got 89% is that they didn't get over 90%.

Now if one wanted to make some kind of meta-claim it could be, “Expectations are the root of all evil”. This might be a bit extreme but hey all meta-claims are. Anyway it is fairly safe to say that if you want to enjoy life more lower your expectations.

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Designer Clothes – Good Old Fashioned Redundancy

Monkey Boy takes on this flawed use of language by the yuppie army - yup... yup ...yup... Oh and there's a half naked male - for those who just want to look at half naked males.

Is there any other adjective used in contemporary society that is more idiotic then ‘designer’. Sure there’s the use of ‘neo’ in the term ‘neo-liberalism’. For one thing ‘neo-liberalism’ has been around for 30 years or so – technically it’s not new (neo) anymore. What it probably should be called is ‘not-liberalism’ or maybe we should start calling atheism neo-Christianity.

However, our use of designer still takes the cake. We throw it around like a baby in a trailer park and we never stop to think, “Hey, this is really stupid.” Sure at surface level it seems pretty sound – “It’s a designer T-shirt because it was designed by so and so and he’s a good designer.”

But then if you scratch a little below the surface (with a toothpick) the redundancy is revealed. To call something designer is to imply it has a designer but you’ll be hard pressed to find any item of clothing that doesn’t have a designer. Even a piece of crap T-shirt that you pick up from Pep was designed by someone.  

The fun doesn’t end here, however, we’ve extended the adjective to cover just about everything – designer beer, designer gel, designer... stubble. Why not just extend this to people? After all a large chunk of the world to some degree believe in intelligent design.

Aren’t we all then the work of that big lady in the sky? Tell people to come on over and check out your designer friends. Actually that’s probably the slogan on a mouldy happy clapper t-shirt that’s rotting away in the basement of some free roaming serial killer.

Here’s the point: using the term ‘designer’ as an adjective is good old fashioned redundancy. Let us all try step away from this ridiculous display of description and use words that actually make sense. After all no one says, “Hey do you want to come over to my house and check out my artist artwork.” At least no one I want to hang around with.

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A Racist Was Here – or – Edward Carson Was Here

Do you want to learn more about our ill informed little visitor and perhaps a little about racism as well? Probably not - discovering how backwards the world is is really depressing. Yes, you are probably thinking, “But racists come here all the time" (see transformers comments). This is true but that’s usually in an anonymous capacity. A few days ago Edward Carson’s tiny little head appeared on our Bloglog. It’s not hard to guess how he found his way here.

I was catching up with the comments on an article at capetownnews.co.za when I came across Ed’s comments. Here is a disturbing extract:

In a perfect world, kaffirs would not be so resistant to civilisation; they would embrace it and become part of it, and in time would acquire some of the human characteristics that us whites take for granted. In a perfect world. It doesn’t take rocket science to realise that we live in an imperfect world. So my friend, put aside your utopianism and guilt associated with our inability to get the blacks to transcend their sub-human nature, and wake up to the real world.

Very poetic. For non-South African’s, the ‘k’ word he uses at the start of the quote is a derogatory word for a black person, similar to the ‘n’ word, but if you’ve heard it spoken in South Africa you would understand that it is a hell of a lot worse. After reading this comment, out of curiosity, I went to his site and he obviously followed the link from his Bloglog.

Anyway Mr. Carson is one of the few racists out there I’ve seen who is brave enough to put his real identity on the line. He peddles his Hitler babble on his blog which features the old South African flag in the title. I am fairly certain this guy thinks Lamborghini’s are sexy.

Anyway there are few positives to discuss about Ed (other than freedom of expression and the fact that he is open about his bigotry). And a list of negatives would be a far too time consuming list of the obvious.

Instead let me rather present to you a theory of racism. I would like to bring up the work of Geoff Lakoff and Mark Johnson , specifically Metaphors We Live By. This is a sort of misleading title since the book deals with metaphors and metonyms but Metaphors and Metonyms We Live By just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Johnson and Lakoff believe that metaphor and metonym (along with their weaker versions simile and synecdoche)are important parts of our conceptual systems that guide our existence. Here’s a quote:

Metaphors have entailments through which they highlight and make coherent certain aspects of our experience. A given metaphor may be the only way to highlight and coherently organize exactly those aspects of our experience.

Metaphors may create realities for us, especially social realities.

Metonym, or more precisely synecdoche, proves to be particularly useful to help explain sheet wearing hoodlums such as Eddy. For those who can’t remember grade 11 English a Metonym is a relationship based on two things through association (ie. Referring to ‘the springboks’ to represent the South African Rugby team).

The weaker form, synecdoche, is when a part is taken for the whole, like when the stereotypical construction worker refers to a woman as “legs”. This particular form is what a lot of racists, and in particular Ed, do. For instance Ed groups all black people in the same category even though I highly doubt he has proof that this is the case for all black people.

So yes most of the violent crime in South Africa is being committed by blacks but it is not being committed by all the blacks. This is where Ed is having his problems - he is letting personal experience ("I did not have a gun. I did not believe in violence. I was not a ‘racist piece of shit’. But none of that could save me from black hatred and violence.") rather than logic guide his thoughts. If all black people were out there killing whites there would be no more white people left in South Africa.

In closing before people go off to Ed’s badly decorated blog just remember what Voltaire said, “I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.” Ed has the right to say what he wants (well technically in SA you can’t say hate speech) and we have the right to tell him that what he says is a load of crap. Oh and Ed if you read this why not write a post about Dina Rodrigues on your blog (oh and here is a little something you might find interesting).

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Where have all the Nazis gone?

We all know that Captain America defeated Hitler during WW2, but what happened to the rest of the Nazis? We sent Nim Chimpsky in to investigate.Disclaimer: I am not a Nazi I just find individuals who believe in completely irrational things fascinating.

Since their heyday the Nazis have virtually disappeared off the face of the earth. So what do these neo-Nazis actually get up to? Most sit quietly in their homes afraid that anyone will ever find out about their dark secrets- their basements full of Nazi war memorabilia, and their O-Town records.

Other neo-Nazis are members of political groups and forums (like Overthrow.com and Stormfront), but what do they do with their time?

Do they hold secret meetings planning to take over the world? Or do they just get together and have Mein Kampf slumber parties? Or perhaps they are simply political lemmings who only keep up the charade in the hope of scoring some hot Nazi poontang.

Anyway, I took some time to check out what neo-Nazism is all about.

Although there isn’t a unified code which all neo-Nazi groups follow, essentially, most neo-Nazis stand for: white supremacy, anti-semitism, xeonophobia, nationalism, and fetishes for small Hitler moustaches. Neo-Nazis often use the symbols of Nazi Germany, such as the Swastika, Sig Runes, and the red-white-black color scheme. However, since some countries have laws prohibiting the expression of pro-Nazi, racist or anti-Semitic views it’s no wonder that these angst-ridden individuals don’t get the chance to make more noise (and show off
their cool moustaches).

Now, lets do a bit of word association. I say a word and you say the first thing that comes to mind. Ok. “NEO-NAZI”.

Well most of you are probably thinking that neo-Nazis are poorly educated, have large death-metal collections, infatuations with Darth Vader, and a generous side portion of PENIS ENVY.

Well in order to see how valid your claims are it seems only fair to hear straight from the Nazi’s mouth. Unfortunately, I don’t know anyone dumb enough to be a Nazi, so the best bet was to explore some of the content they propagate on the Net. Of course, I am aware that there is a slight chance that I happened to stumble across the small bunch of goobers who completely misinterpret what being a racist is and ruin the good Nazi name. However, I think it’s a pretty safe bet.

Racism:

So lets get the basics out of the way. When I said “Nazi” you all thought RACISTS!!!!!!! And you would indeed be correct. Check out the article “Once You Go Black, You Might Not Come Back” posted on overthrow.com (a popular "white supremacist" website) which claims that inter-racial relationships are dangerous for white women.

They state that: “Blacks men are more likely to kill or batter women who engage in relationships with them than any other race.

Most white women who date or mate with black men are either physically disfigured, often by morbid obesity, or are mentally or emotionally ill.”

Education:

It’s difficult to judge the degree to which most neo-Nazis have been educated. However, it seems fair to assume that most racists are morons (I won’t go into details here, but if you disagree we can debate this claim later). And perhaps they are morons because they were poorly educated (a healthy amount of circular reasoning). Besides, some of the things these neo-Nazi bloggers write make George Bush sound like a real Harvard graduate.

On the various neo-Nazi forums there is much discussion of Nietzsche and his writings (given that Nietzsche is frequently caricatured as a Nazi philosopher). However, very little of the discussion was academic and perhaps most neo-Nazi readers of Nietzsche are just looking for advice on how to cultivate a fluffy moustache.

Bill White, the commander of the American National Socialist Workers Party also has a very interesting definition of Leftism (which seemed fitting under the education section):

“Leftism is essentially a philosophy of disorder and, really, hatred. It has hatred for all systems, all differentation, and all uniqueness -- and since everything is unique, differentiated from its peers, and ordered, either better or worse, the more one understands the left, the more one engages in a celebration of the worst.”

Hatred of Jewish People:

No surprises here. Almost all the content on sites like overthrow.com expresses a hatred of Jewish people. Various claims I read referred to “Jewish Propaganda” and “Jewish plans to control the world”, but as you would expect these claims were not referenced nor were they backed up by any arguments or research.

The Real Reason Neo-Nazis are Angry:

While I didn’t find any decisive evidence about neo-Nazis having large death-metal collections, and infatuations with Darth Vader, it was clear that they suffer from horrible bouts of PENIS ENVY.

Take a small meander through the article “Whites Have Bigger Cocks Than Blacks:Scientific Study Proves It” for confirmation that neo-Nazis (at least the males) are extremely obsessed with the size of their equipment. Here's what they say:

A scientific study has proven that white men have bigger cocks than blacks, despite lies about black sexuality perpetrated in Jewish mass media and pornography.

For decades, whites have had to listen to the insulting and false derision of Jewish propaganda claiming that African barbarians have giant cocks that somehow make white women attracted to them. While very few white women are actually attracted to blacks, and most of those of those who are are mentally, emotionally, or physically defectice in some way, this myth has been eagerly propagated by Jewish entertainment media, Jewish movies, Jewish music, and, most importantly, Jewish pornography.

Like all Jewish myths about black "superiority", such as alleged black musical ability, alleged black dancing ability, alleged black sports ability, and alleged black entertainment ability, the myth of giant black cocks has been proven to be a racist lie designed by Jews to psychologically undermine white society.

Yip. Penis Envy. Coupled with unsubstantiated claims and idiotic racism.

But, if you have any desire to abandon logic, reason and humanity here are a few links to help you on your quest to become a Neo-Nutsy: (REMEMBER: you could always settle half-way and become a Republican)

National Vanguard
Stormfront
Overthrow.com
American Nazi Party
Aryan Nations
Taiwan Nazi Group

And, if you want more information, straight from the Nazi’s mouth, you could always sign up for an info pack now for a mere $5 from americannaziparty.com.

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Get the Message

Ever wonder what would happen if you SMS’ed too much. Neither did we but here’s a story about it anyway.

Since the beginning of time man has been trying to find new and convenient means to communicate across great distances. The first attempts consisted of relaying information verbally via point to point through the groundbreaking concept of the messenger. An expertly trained individual with a steel-trap memory who would travel great distances, accompanied by a delightful puffy hat (at least in my mind), to perform his service.

Then one day some drunk invented the symbol. Soon these symbols were combined to create writing. This set in motion a never-ending war that continues to this day between symbolic and verbal communication. Soon the messenger’s steel-trap memory was replaced by a new invention known only as the letter (the French invented a very different version of this). Fortunately the messengers were able to keep their jobs, travelling great distances to deliver letters and cavort with foreign women (which is probably why the French invented their version of the letter).

Then came the telegraph, another blow to verbal communication and this time the messenger (who sadly would never recover). Suddenly symbolic communication could be transported great distances far quicker then it could by messenger, as telegraphs seldom stop to cavort with foreign women.

It seemed verbal communication would never return to its former glory but this view was quickly dismissed when a Scottish guy (so yes another drunk) levelled the playing fields with the invention of the telephone. Soon verbal communication quickly reclaimed its place as the dominant form because telegraph sex just isn’t hot.

For most of the 20th century the telephone dominated communication but towards the end SMS (Short Message Service) came out of the shadows. SMS was originally thought to be so pointless that the American cellular industry decided to make it a free service. Today it is the most widely used cell phone feature (at least in this country).

As everyone does when a cultural phenomenon arises I decided to sit down and ask that very important question: “How does this affect us socially?”

The Reign of the Question Talker:

What is more irritating than a question talker? Quite simply nothing is more irritating than a question talker. Possibly the most annoying habit anyone can pick up is question talking, the process of posing a question and than instantly answering it. Being around these people constantly brings up hot flushes and memories of really irritating teachers.

What do question talkers have to do with SMSing? A lot. SMSing becomes an addiction. Addicts lie still clenching their phone in hand waiting for those crave ending beeps to materialize out of thin air. To ensure a constant stream of SMS’s addicts type vigorously and provide at least one question in each SMS to increase the chance of replies.

The constant use of questions is bound to internalise itself in your mind and effect your interaction with people in real life. Soon this phenomenon will expand into all spheres; questions will become the primary form of communication. When there are only questions the question mark becomes redundant and life as we know it will be changed forever.

Roxanne Syndrome:

For those of you who have not seen the Steve Martin movie Roxanne based on the play, Cyrano de Bergerac, by Edmond Rostand, it is a story about two men who fall for the same woman. The older of the two does not believe he has a chance, due to his ridiculously large nose, and decides to help out the younger one by writing romantic letters and poems for him. Naturally, the woman falls in love via these exchanges with one small problem: the man she thinks she is in love with is not that man at all.

Back in the day standard dating protocol was to meet someone, get a number and give them a call. These days it is generally the same but the call has been replaced by an SMS. People begin their relationships with long SMS courtships. Obviously there is no way of knowing who you are actually communicating with, I can’t count the number of times a friend has passed me his phone and said, ”Say something that will get me laid.” All over the country people are falling for someone who is not the person they think they are falling for, in other words, Roxanne Syndrome.

The Cram Effect:

A SMS has a 160-character limit and this results in one of two things. Either a message is crammed full of useless information to make the most of the character count or a long message is trimmed down to make it fit into the character count.

As people become conditioned (al la Pavlov’s dog) to respond in short 160 character statements they will take it over to their social interaction. Conversation will become pointless as no one will have anything meaningful to say. Martians will invade, force us to learn their language, breed with our women and in time our differences will be forgotten (stolen Family Guy Joke).

The SMS Break-up:

Break-ups are always awkward and let’s be honest hardly anyone enjoys breaking up with someone. There have always been those cowardly few who refuse to bite the bullet and do it face to face by finding other means; before the telephone their was that awkward moment when you would hand someone the note. Then there was the awkward silence when you broke the news telephonically. Now you can simply combine the two with a single SMS and a verification report ensures you that they have received the news.

You are probably thinking what could be lower than an SMS break-up. Well there is one thing: the Internet SMS break-up. What a slap in the face , to let someone know the relationship was not even worth the 80c of a regular SMS. Harsh.

Increased Anxiety:

Sometimes we send messages that we want or need replies to, with a phone call a response is instantaneous (and an unanswered phone generally means the person is unavailable) but with SMS there are so many possibilities: They might not have their phone on them; they are avoiding you; they forgot to reply; they are out of airtime. While you are waiting for a reply, which may never come, many of these thoughts (and hundreds of other scenarios) will be running through your head and with this increased anxiety. This is bound to cause high blood pressure in years to come and result in lower human life expectancies.

Note: This story was originally published in Excess Magazine.

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Return of the Pac

It's an article that psychoanalyses Pac-Man... that can't be good… but then again what can? Oh, and you can also play it.
Pac-Man was originally released in Japan in 1979 with mixed reception. In 1980 it was released in America and became an instant social phenomena. This surprised everyone in the industry. In fact the game was completely overlooked at a trade show prior to its release. So what exactly was it about this game that made 1980’s culture latch onto it. Here’s a summary of Arthur Asa Bergers’s analysis:

It’s a Maze:

Space Invaders was set against the infinite background of outer space, whereas Pac-Man is set in an isolated maze. At the time the American economy was in recession and this suggests that people felt trapped with few possibilities.

Childish Violence:

Before the Pac, game violence was dominated by masculine shooting style violence (Space Invaders, Asteroids). But the Pac chose to bite his opponents, clearly real men don’t bite – that’s something kids do – hence, Pac-Man utilized a feminine/childish form of violence.

Berger suggests that this reflected a fear of growing up and mature interpersonal sexuality. And guess what the 80’s are known as the most hedonistic period of recent history.

Dog-Eat-Dog:

Berger sees Pac-Man, which he calls “a game in which a dot eats dots”, as a metaphor for capitalist society. The world has become very small and there are no new frontiers to discover. Society is captive in a maze; in this situation we can either work towards the collective good or try to maximize things for ourselves.

Berger believes that Pac-Man reflects a change in the American psyche to a dog-eat-dog mentality. People are focusing upon themselves and “how many dots they can gobble”.

So in conclusion the popularity of Pac-Man came at a time when economic recession was causing many people to feel trapped due to a lack of opportunities, and fortunately Pac-Man was a game that offered a metaphorical escape for two of the most prominent solutions to this problem: 1) Remain a child 2) Go out into the world and crush your opposition.

Note: Arthur Asa Berger is a Professor at San Francisco State University. Clearly not a moron, the preceding summary, however, was written by one. So before complaining to Berger check his argument out for yourself in Making Sense of Media.

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10 Angry Peeps

Naomi Campbell will never win an Oscar but that’s ok because she’s won a place on our list of the 10 angriest people.We all get angry sometimes, for example when our digs-mate drinks the last of the milk, or when your best friend runs over your beloved Siberian hamster, Snowy. Throughout history the world has seen its fair share of extremely angry and violent people. Here are a few.

1. Mrs Bobbitt

The most infamous crime of passion has to be the one committed by Lorena Bobbitt. When she found out her husband was having an affair (combined with a side-order of domestic abuse) she snuck into their bedroom, where Mr Bobbitt was sleeping, and cut off more than half his penis with a kitchen knife.

She got in her car and went for a drive to clear her thoughts, but eventually realised she was still clutching his severed penis in her hand. She freaked out and threw it out the car window onto the highway.

Luckily, police inspectors found the ‘evidence’ and surgeons were able to successfully reunite little Bobbitt with his master. John Wayne Bobbitt didn’t let the traumatic experience of almost losing his skin chimney keep him down for long, and he even began a new career starring in several porn movies including “John Wayne Bobbitt: Uncut” and “Frankenpenis”. But performing a 'penectomy' must go down as a really fiery act indeed.

2. Mary Bell

In 1968 Mary Bell was found guilty of murder. She strangled a 3 year old boy to death, and then went back to carve an “M” into his stomach with a razor blade. She also used scissors to chop bits of his hair off and cut into his genitals. This is pretty sick stuff for a ten-year old.

The psychiatrist who examined her testified that she had all the classic symptoms of a psychopath; Mary felt no remorse, and her only regret was that she was going to get into trouble. The courts were lenient on her because of her young age and dropped the murder charge to manslaughter.

In 1980, she was released from prison at the age of 23, and fell pregnant soon afterwards. Since then, she has become a caring mother who tries to live a normal life, because even psychopathic killers love family.

Bell made several appeals for her true identity to remain anonymous because she claimed it interfered with her life, and the way people behaved towards her. In May 2003 the British High Courts decided that the true identities, and location, of Mary Bell and her daughter would be kept a secret in order to protect the two from unwanted attention. Bell is still alive to this day.

3. Naomi Campbell

Another celebrity who seems to have a fair bit of rage inside her, the glamorous supermodel has been in trouble for assaulting her ‘hired help’ several times. She has been nabbed for slapping her domestic worker as well as head butting her personal assistant, and was ordered to attend anger management classes.

Apparently they weren’t very effective and Naomi has recently been in the headlines again for allegedly beating her new domestic worker with her mobile phone. I’m not that surprised actually: she’s 35 years old now, which is 147 in model years, and who wouldn’t get pissed off surviving only on coffee and cigarettes and having to hang out with the worlds most pretentious.

4. Susan Smith

Some women will do anything to please a man; some change their haircuts, or the way they dress. Twenty-three year old Susan Smith murdered her two sons.

In October 1994, Susan received a break-up letter from her wealthy lover Tom Findlay in which Findlay told her that he could never be with her because he didn’t want to have to care for another man’s children. The letter seemed to suggest that the only thing keeping them apart were her children, "Susan, I could really fall for you. You have some endearing qualities about you, and I think that you are a terrific person. But like I have told you before, there are some things about you that aren’t suited for me, and yes, I am speaking about your children." Susan was furious about being rejected and wanted to commit suicide. She drove to a nearby lake with her two children, aged 3 and 1, in the car, and stopped in the middle of the large, wooden boat ramp. She decided that it would be better for her children if they died first, rather than carry on living without a mother. But she didn’t really want to kill herself she just wanted her problems to disappear, so she released the handbrake of the car and watched as it slid into the lake with her two small boys sleeping inside it.


Susan then went to work on her alibi and concocted the story that she was hijacked and that “whoever did this is a sick emotionally unstable person”. Her story gained her a lot of sympathy from her entire community of Union, South Carolina and people from all over the world heard her pleas that her children get returned safely, until the police found several holes in her story. She eventually confessed and was sentenced to life in prison.

5. Bjork

Great voice, cool music, really bad temper! In 1996 Bjork assaulted a journalist who kept following her around Suvarnabhumi Airport in Bangkok. Julie Kaufman allegedly turned to Bjork’s son Sindri and said, “Welcome to Bangkok”, which made the Icelandic singer snap. Bjork claims that Kaufman lied in her account, and that she was harassing the star and her son with inappropriate questions. Either way if you haven’t seen the video clip of Bjork’s incident yet do yourself a favour and get it off the net. She doesn’t just hit the woman, she beats the crap out of her.

6. Mike Tyson

Just a quick look at Iron Mike’s timeline will explain why he’s here (there wasn’t nearly enough space to mention all the crazy stuff he’s done):

June 17, 1988 – Tyson’s wife, Robin Givens, accuses Tyson of domestic violence.
April 9, 1989- Tyson accused of hitting a parking attendant three times in the face after he asked Tyson to move his car out of a reserved parking space.
March 26, 1992 - Tyson is found guilty of raping Desiree Washington, and two other counts of deviant sexual conduct. He is sentenced to 10 years in prison.
May 8, 1992 – While in prison, Tyson is found guilty of threatening a guard, and has 15 days added to his sentence.
July 9, 1997 – Tyson is fined $3 million and has his boxing licence revoked for biting off a chunk of Evander Holyfield’s ear.
Feb. 5, 1999 – Tyson sentenced to a year in jail for assault. He beat up two motorists after they caused an accident.
May 28, 2003- In an interview Tyson refers to Desiree Washington as "just a lying, reptilian, monstrous, young lady. I just hate her guts. She put me in that state where, I don't know, I really wish I did now. Now I really do want to rape her."

I guess its no surprise that he hits people for a living. What I really admire about the man is that he doesn’t just do it for the money; he really loves his job and even spends most of his free time practicing. If Tyson’s record of violence isn’t enough to impress you, he also says stuff like: "I think I'll take a bath in his blood”, and "I wish that you guys had children so I could kick them in the fucking head or stomp on their testicles so you could feel my pain because that's the pain I have waking up every day." Poetic!

7. John Wayne Gacy

Respected democrat who ran a successful business as a contractor, he even dressed up as Pogo the clown at local children’s birthday parties, and lastly: one of the world’s most abominable serial killers.

But even his closest friends had no idea what he got up to in his spare time. Except for the clue that his house always smelt like there was something rotting inside it, which Gacy dismissed as probably the body of a dead animal under the house. The smell was in fact the decaying corpses of 29 young boys who Gacy stored in the crawlspace of his house. Police discovered the bodies while investigating Gacy for the disappearance of 15-year-old Robert Piest. Gacy confessed to all the murders and explained how he killed each boy: he used to trick the boys into being handcuffed by asking them if they would like to see a ‘magic trick’. He would then put a sock in their mouths to stop them screaming as he raped and strangled them to death with a piece of metal wire. He sometimes killed them first before having his way with the dead bodies. Gacy was sentenced to death by lethal injection, and was sent to Joliet Prison to await his execution. Moral: never trust people who dress up as clowns and want to show you a ‘magic trick’ which involves handcuffs.

According to a forensic psychiatrist, Gacy did not fit any psychological profile normally associated with serial killers, and his brain seemed to function just as a normal person’s would. The hit TV show Prison Break is filmed at the old Joliet Prison where Gacy was detained, and some scenes are filmed in Gacy’s old cell.

8. Russell Crowe

“Making movies, making songs, and fighting round the world”
Russell Crowe has earned a notorious reputation for handing out beatings, which he puts down as a weird conspiracy against him created by the media. Here’s an idea: if you want the papers to stop telling everyone that you are violent, then stop beating people up. He’s pushed a BBC producer, head butted a fellow actor, threw a telephone at a hotel employees face, and even had a tussle with Moby. That’s like beating up Gandhi. However, in Russell’s defense it is rumoured that Moby gives off special pheromones, which make people want to kick his ass.
I think what really upsets people about Russell Crowe is that he’s not committed enough to go the whole way. He’s got the talent to be among these greats he just needs to work harder on his beaten to death ratio.


9. John Wayne Bobbitt

The guy had his penis chopped off of course he is angry.

10. Paul McCartney

Ok, so he doesn’t exactly fit in with the other candidates, he doesn’t have a violent history, or any public misdemeanors, and always has a cheesy grin on his face. But he should be angry! After years of riding Lennon’s coattails the Beatles split-up, Paul grew the hugest mullet and started writing what would be remembered as some of the cheesiest pop songs in history. And if this wasn’t enough to make the man angry he is now getting divorced from his wife of four years and she’s taking half.

The man is worth 800 million pounds! With the pound equal to R12, 6 that comes to about R10080000000. That’s enough to buy shoes, from Pep at R40 a pair, for 252 000 000 people. I think we can comfortably say that Heather Mills did one better than Anna Nicole Smith (and she didn’t have to sleep with an old guy). Her effective salary was around 10 million pounds a month, so if Sir Paul isn’t a little bit pissed off I’d be pretty surprised.
Remember kids: It’s called a pre-nup! Never leave home without one.

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Celebrity Obsession

Who doesn’t love celebrities? This guy apparently. Deon Malan expresses his contempt for celebrity culture. Read it and weep, but please not too much.Modern society has brought us many things, some good, some bad. A recent invention allows doctors to keep the heart of a deceased person alive and beating by connecting it to a complicated heart-lung machine, which keeps the heart alive for about 12 hours after a person has died. If kept on ice, which is the case now, the heart only remains useful for about four hours, and thus the chances of finding a donor decreases significantly when comparing it to the 12 hour window created by this new invention. This is a positive and useful contribution to society. The following is not.

Celebrity Obsession is another product of society and is perpetuated by awesome publications such as Heat Magazine, and People Magazine to name but two. Once a week one can go down to the corner shop and purchase the latest issue of HEAT Magazine in which one can find a plethora of interesting facts on ones favourite celebrity’s, e.g. “Paris Hilton eats two hotdogs, read about it inside Heat pg 10. Last Thursday night Paris Hilton, famous heiress, home porn star, and regular alcoholic was spotted outside a famous club scoffing down two hot dogs. She was accompanied by famous fashion designer Tamagotchi Imakepuppetsfuckparis. Witnesses say that after she finished the hotdogs she disappeared around the corner, and when she returned had stain marks on her dress” or, "Paris Hilton faces Mike Tyson in a telekinetic showdown and loses” or, “Tom Cruise jumps off the top of the Empire State building and dies” (he believed he was going to fly). “Madonna buys a new leotard”, or “People finally realise The Osbournes are retarded and that’s why they’re on TV”, “James Blunt voted the most irritating voice ever heard on the planet”, “Puffy changes his name to PeeeDoodoo”, "Newsflash: Eminem divorces ex wife again and declares, : “ I hate my mother”", or , “ David Beckham gets a new hair style and Posh gains 10gms”, “Excess Magazine voted best magazine in the galaxy”, and other ridiculous stories!

What do these individuals offer us one might ask? In the case of Paris Hilton she is famous for being rich; she does not have anything useful to offer society except for a crappy porno, and the subliminal encouragement of teenage bulimia. As mentioned in the opening paragraph there have been some awesome inventions, some of which can save lives, unlike the lives of celebrities who don’t even have hearts or souls. So next time you pick up a tabloid magazine, remember that celebrities are not people, they are pictures in magazines.

deon malan

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