postFriday, 27 April 2007

10 Angry Peeps

Naomi Campbell will never win an Oscar but that’s ok because she’s won a place on our list of the 10 angriest people.Duck! He has an Oscar!We all get angry sometimes, for example when our digs-mate drinks the last of the milk, or when your best friend runs over your beloved Siberian hamster, Snowy. Throughout history the world has seen its fair share of extremely angry and violent people. Here are a few.

1. Mrs Bobbitt

The most infamous crime of passion has to be the one committed by Lorena Bobbitt. When she found out her husband was having an affair (combined with a side-order of domestic abuse) she snuck into their bedroom, where Mr Bobbitt was sleeping, and cut off more than half his penis with a kitchen knife.

She got in her car and went for a drive to clear her thoughts, but eventually realised she was still clutching his severed penis in her hand. She freaked out and threw it out the car window onto the highway.

Luckily, police inspectors found the ‘evidence’ and surgeons were able to successfully reunite little Bobbitt with his master. John Wayne Bobbitt didn’t let the traumatic experience of almost losing his skin chimney keep him down for long, and he even began a new career starring in several porn movies including “John Wayne Bobbitt: Uncut” and “Frankenpenis”. But performing a 'penectomy' must go down as a really fiery act indeed.

2. Mary Bell

In 1968 Mary Bell was found guilty of murder. She strangled a 3 year old boy to death, and then went back to carve an “M” into his stomach with a razor blade. She also used scissors to chop bits of his hair off and cut into his genitals. This is pretty sick stuff for a ten-year old.

The psychiatrist who examined her testified that she had all the classic symptoms of a psychopath; Mary felt no remorse, and her only regret was that she was going to get into trouble. The courts were lenient on her because of her young age and dropped the murder charge to manslaughter.

In 1980, she was released from prison at the age of 23, and fell pregnant soon afterwards. Since then, she has become a caring mother who tries to live a normal life, because even psychopathic killers love family.

Bell made several appeals for her true identity to remain anonymous because she claimed it interfered with her life, and the way people behaved towards her. In May 2003 the British High Courts decided that the true identities, and location, of Mary Bell and her daughter would be kept a secret in order to protect the two from unwanted attention. Bell is still alive to this day.

3. Naomi Campbell

Another celebrity who seems to have a fair bit of rage inside her, the glamorous supermodel has been in trouble for assaulting her ‘hired help’ several times. She has been nabbed for slapping her domestic worker as well as head butting her personal assistant, and was ordered to attend anger management classes.

Apparently they weren’t very effective and Naomi has recently been in the headlines again for allegedly beating her new domestic worker with her mobile phone. I’m not that surprised actually: she’s 35 years old now, which is 147 in model years, and who wouldn’t get pissed off surviving only on coffee and cigarettes and having to hang out with the worlds most pretentious.

4. Susan Smith

Some women will do anything to please a man; some change their haircuts, or the way they dress. Twenty-three year old Susan Smith murdered her two sons.

In October 1994, Susan received a break-up letter from her wealthy lover Tom Findlay in which Findlay told her that he could never be with her because he didn’t want to have to care for another man’s children. The letter seemed to suggest that the only thing keeping them apart were her children, "Susan, I could really fall for you. You have some endearing qualities about you, and I think that you are a terrific person. But like I have told you before, there are some things about you that aren’t suited for me, and yes, I am speaking about your children." Susan was furious about being rejected and wanted to commit suicide. She drove to a nearby lake with her two children, aged 3 and 1, in the car, and stopped in the middle of the large, wooden boat ramp. She decided that it would be better for her children if they died first, rather than carry on living without a mother. But she didn’t really want to kill herself she just wanted her problems to disappear, so she released the handbrake of the car and watched as it slid into the lake with her two small boys sleeping inside it.

Susan then went to work on her alibi and concocted the story that she was hijacked and that “whoever did this is a sick emotionally unstable person”. Her story gained her a lot of sympathy from her entire community of Union, South Carolina and people from all over the world heard her pleas that her children get returned safely, until the police found several holes in her story. She eventually confessed and was sentenced to life in prison.

5. Bjork

Great voice, cool music, really bad temper! In 1996 Bjork assaulted a journalist who kept following her around Suvarnabhumi Airport in Bangkok. Julie Kaufman allegedly turned to Bjork’s son Sindri and said, “Welcome to Bangkok”, which made the Icelandic singer snap. Bjork claims that Kaufman lied in her account, and that she was harassing the star and her son with inappropriate questions. Either way if you haven’t seen the video clip of Bjork’s incident yet do yourself a favour and get it off the net. She doesn’t just hit the woman, she beats the crap out of her.

6. Mike Tyson

Just a quick look at Iron Mike’s timeline will explain why he’s here (there wasn’t nearly enough space to mention all the crazy stuff he’s done):

June 17, 1988 – Tyson’s wife, Robin Givens, accuses Tyson of domestic violence.
April 9, 1989- Tyson accused of hitting a parking attendant three times in the face after he asked Tyson to move his car out of a reserved parking space.
March 26, 1992 - Tyson is found guilty of raping Desiree Washington, and two other counts of deviant sexual conduct. He is sentenced to 10 years in prison.
May 8, 1992 – While in prison, Tyson is found guilty of threatening a guard, and has 15 days added to his sentence.
July 9, 1997 – Tyson is fined $3 million and has his boxing licence revoked for biting off a chunk of Evander Holyfield’s ear.
Feb. 5, 1999 – Tyson sentenced to a year in jail for assault. He beat up two motorists after they caused an accident.
May 28, 2003- In an interview Tyson refers to Desiree Washington as "just a lying, reptilian, monstrous, young lady. I just hate her guts. She put me in that state where, I don't know, I really wish I did now. Now I really do want to rape her."

I guess its no surprise that he hits people for a living. What I really admire about the man is that he doesn’t just do it for the money; he really loves his job and even spends most of his free time practicing. If Tyson’s record of violence isn’t enough to impress you, he also says stuff like: "I think I'll take a bath in his blood”, and "I wish that you guys had children so I could kick them in the fucking head or stomp on their testicles so you could feel my pain because that's the pain I have waking up every day." Poetic!

7. John Wayne Gacy

Respected democrat who ran a successful business as a contractor, he even dressed up as Pogo the clown at local children’s birthday parties, and lastly: one of the world’s most abominable serial killers.

But even his closest friends had no idea what he got up to in his spare time. Except for the clue that his house always smelt like there was something rotting inside it, which Gacy dismissed as probably the body of a dead animal under the house. The smell was in fact the decaying corpses of 29 young boys who Gacy stored in the crawlspace of his house. Police discovered the bodies while investigating Gacy for the disappearance of 15-year-old Robert Piest. Gacy confessed to all the murders and explained how he killed each boy: he used to trick the boys into being handcuffed by asking them if they would like to see a ‘magic trick’. He would then put a sock in their mouths to stop them screaming as he raped and strangled them to death with a piece of metal wire. He sometimes killed them first before having his way with the dead bodies. Gacy was sentenced to death by lethal injection, and was sent to Joliet Prison to await his execution. Moral: never trust people who dress up as clowns and want to show you a ‘magic trick’ which involves handcuffs.

According to a forensic psychiatrist, Gacy did not fit any psychological profile normally associated with serial killers, and his brain seemed to function just as a normal person’s would. The hit TV show Prison Break is filmed at the old Joliet Prison where Gacy was detained, and some scenes are filmed in Gacy’s old cell.

8. Russell Crowe

“Making movies, making songs, and fighting round the world”
Russell Crowe has earned a notorious reputation for handing out beatings, which he puts down as a weird conspiracy against him created by the media. Here’s an idea: if you want the papers to stop telling everyone that you are violent, then stop beating people up. He’s pushed a BBC producer, head butted a fellow actor, threw a telephone at a hotel employees face, and even had a tussle with Moby. That’s like beating up Gandhi. However, in Russell’s defense it is rumoured that Moby gives off special pheromones, which make people want to kick his ass.
I think what really upsets people about Russell Crowe is that he’s not committed enough to go the whole way. He’s got the talent to be among these greats he just needs to work harder on his beaten to death ratio.

9. John Wayne Bobbitt

The guy had his penis chopped off of course he is angry.

10. Paul McCartney

Ok, so he doesn’t exactly fit in with the other candidates, he doesn’t have a violent history, or any public misdemeanors, and always has a cheesy grin on his face. But he should be angry! After years of riding Lennon’s coattails the Beatles split-up, Paul grew the hugest mullet and started writing what would be remembered as some of the cheesiest pop songs in history. And if this wasn’t enough to make the man angry he is now getting divorced from his wife of four years and she’s taking half.

The man is worth 800 million pounds! With the pound equal to R12, 6 that comes to about R10080000000. That’s enough to buy shoes, from Pep at R40 a pair, for 252 000 000 people. I think we can comfortably say that Heather Mills did one better than Anna Nicole Smith (and she didn’t have to sleep with an old guy). Her effective salary was around 10 million pounds a month, so if Sir Paul isn’t a little bit pissed off I’d be pretty surprised.
Remember kids: It’s called a pre-nup! Never leave home without one.

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postTuesday, 24 April 2007

Celebrity Obsession

Who doesn’t love celebrities? This guy apparently. Deon Malan expresses his contempt for celebrity culture. Read it and weep, but please not too much.Modern society has brought us many things, some good, some bad. A recent invention allows doctors to keep the heart of a deceased person alive and beating by connecting it to a complicated heart-lung machine, which keeps the heart alive for about 12 hours after a person has died. If kept on ice, which is the case now, the heart only remains useful for about four hours, and thus the chances of finding a donor decreases significantly when comparing it to the 12 hour window created by this new invention. This is a positive and useful contribution to society. The following is not.

Celebrity Obsession is another product of society and is perpetuated by awesome publications such as Heat Magazine, and People Magazine to name but two. Once a week one can go down to the corner shop and purchase the latest issue of HEAT Magazine in which one can find a plethora of interesting facts on ones favourite celebrity’s, e.g. “Paris Hilton eats two hotdogs, read about it inside Heat pg 10. Last Thursday night Paris Hilton, famous heiress, home porn star, and regular alcoholic was spotted outside a famous club scoffing down two hot dogs. She was accompanied by famous fashion designer Tamagotchi Imakepuppetsfuckparis. Witnesses say that after she finished the hotdogs she disappeared around the corner, and when she returned had stain marks on her dress” or, "Paris Hilton faces Mike Tyson in a telekinetic showdown and loses” or, “Tom Cruise jumps off the top of the Empire State building and dies” (he believed he was going to fly). “Madonna buys a new leotard”, or “People finally realise The Osbournes are retarded and that’s why they’re on TV”, “James Blunt voted the most irritating voice ever heard on the planet”, “Puffy changes his name to PeeeDoodoo”, "Newsflash: Eminem divorces ex wife again and declares, : “ I hate my mother”", or , “ David Beckham gets a new hair style and Posh gains 10gms”, “Excess Magazine voted best magazine in the galaxy”, and other ridiculous stories!

What do these individuals offer us one might ask? In the case of Paris Hilton she is famous for being rich; she does not have anything useful to offer society except for a crappy porno, and the subliminal encouragement of teenage bulimia. As mentioned in the opening paragraph there have been some awesome inventions, some of which can save lives, unlike the lives of celebrities who don’t even have hearts or souls. So next time you pick up a tabloid magazine, remember that celebrities are not people, they are pictures in magazines.

deon malan

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