postThursday, 24 April 2008

That's Pretty Racist Juno

Yes, we are going to attack the heart-warming movie of the moment with racist allegations. We are just that bitter. Would you like some gum?

I just got another hate comment on the racism in Transformers post and remembered how much fun it is to get all the clan lovers riled up. I decided I should point out some more racist action in the film industry and remembered I was planning on writing a post about Juno in December but never got around to it.

I won’t bore you with the whole I loved the movie I’m a huge Jason Reitman speech – I’ll just get straight to the point.

When they started marketing the film I was pretty pissed off to find out that it stole one of my signature lines – using Morgan Freeman as an arbitrary conversation point. Ask Viggly or Stelloh, they’ve heard me over the years use Morgan Freeman for al kinds of crap. Take the following pointless examples:

Person: Is that you Rob?
Me: No, it’s Morgan Freeman. (this is basically what the film used)

Person: You’ll never guess who I saw last night?
Me: Morgan Freeman.

Person: Hey, guess who Marcus scored last night?
Me: Morgan Freeman.

Person: What’s the capital of Brazil?
Me: Morgan Freeman.

I accidentally stub my toe.
Me: Morgan ‘Fucking’ Freeman that hurt!

Basically there was a point in my life where I’d just use Morgan Freeman as the answer to any question. Obviously, Juno (or more precisely Diablo Cody) didn’t steal it form me. But after Juno - especially since it’s grossed a ludicrous amount of cash and almost everyone will have seen it within the next year - I can’t use the phrase anymore without looking like a lame Juno imitator.

Anyway, back to the racism. Juno’s line in the film is something like, “No, It’s Morgan Freeman, need any bones collected?” Hello, Morgan Freeman wasn’t in The Bone Collector or has never played someone that’s trade mark is collecting bones. The person in question is Denzel Washington.

Now that’s quite an oversite. That would be like mistaking Brad Pitt (younger white actor in his prime) for Jack Nicholson (Old established white actor). So who ever is responsible for that line seems to think that all black people look the same. That’s just racist.

What are they planning on saying in Juno 2: Attack of the Abandoned Baby:

Friend: Is this Juno?

Juno: No, It’s Martin Lawrence, is Billy Bob Thornton around so I can have academy award winning depressed sex with him?

Here are a couple of lines Juno could have said that would not have been racist:

No it’s Morgan Freeman…

  • Have any old women that need to be driven around?
  • Any young Jack Ryan’s there for me to mentor?
  • Have you seen Betty?
  • Do you think my eyebrows looked ridiculous in Dreamcatcher?
  • Know any junkies whose kids I can steal?
  • Would you like to build an Ark?
  • Have you seen that tall drink of water with the silver spoon up his ass?

Oh, and here is a drinking game you can play with the whole family. Pop the Juno DVD in and every time you see a black person have a drink. While you have fun playing that I’m going to have to come up with another celebrity name to use as my trademark.

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postWednesday, 23 April 2008

Bear Almost Kills Will Ferrell

In what can only be called a tragedy, "the best working bear in the business" killed his trainer. Rocky, the bear in question wrestled Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro (thus, if he had snapped months earlier he could have killed Ferrell - if Farrell hadn't used a stunt double).

Stephen Miller, 39, was participating in a training exercise with Rocky (the bear) and 3 other trainers when Rocky turned on him.

Rocky's fate is currently unknown but he'll probably be euthanized.

Stephen Colbert is bound to have something to say about this, since for years he has maintained that bears are the greatest threat to civilization.

Before you throw away your teddy bear and lose all faith in the species, click here, it may change your mind. "I can't believe he's really twisting the stick!" What is this an infomercial?

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postTuesday, 22 April 2008

How Low Can You Go? US Presidential Candidates on WWE Raw

John_McCaine_WWE In what can only be called a new low in American politics all three presidential candidates will deliver a taped video message, which will be played live on the WWE's Monday Night Raw.

The candidates won't just be delivering an election message but a wrestling inspired smack down. Clinton will call herself Hillrod (surprisingly not the Bosnian Sniper Dodger), Obama wants you to smell what he's cooking (I'm not sure but it smells like cheese) and McCaine says you have to beat the man (but obviously means member).

Appearing on a show that promotes sexism and homophobia but at the same time features a bunch of men sweating, moaning and grabbing each other in outfits that can only otherwise be seen at  gay pride parades or one of Deon Malan's parties, doesn't exactly generate confidence in the candidates.

Way to get the white trash vote and the rest of the world rushing off to purchase nuclear bunkers. We're fucked.

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postSaturday, 19 April 2008

Kill People the Green Way

playmobil_nun_with_gunWhat do churches, bullets and toys have in common? If you said toast you should consider getting a metal health check up, otherwise read on.

shooting_targetWe've all heard about people steeling the copper telephone wire in developing countries and how this wouldn't happen in respectable developed countries. Well it is happening there too.

England has a lead theft problem. Thieves are peeling strips of lead off church tops to sell on the black market. The clergy, of course, are renowned for their large supply of lead or as Leonardo de Vinci said, "If you want gold and women become a King. If you want lead and children become a priest."

Why steal lead? Because lead shortages and high Chinese demand have pushed up the price of lead to all time highs.

That's right that lead painted G.I. Joe your kid is sucking on isn't only killing him slowly it's pushing up the price of lead (China just banned our blog for that comment, which is impressive since I haven't even posted it yet - those guys are really on the ball). Do you know what else they use to make lead with?

Bullets. Ammo costs have gone up and supply has dwindled (supply and demand go figure). Some blame this on the Iraqi war but here is the real culprit:

This is a live webcam of John Rambo. He is in some developing country and all he does all day is fire off endless rounds at developing soldiers. Aside from being quite the marksman (look at those headshots) and spreading democracy ("the bullet is the truest means of voting"  - George W.), Rambo is also pushing bullet costs up to the extreme. Someone needs to stop this man and get him to go from that, to this:

Yes, John Rambo there are green alternatives to killing and decapitating developing soldiers and generally spreading the goodwill of democracy, why don't you start using them?

Until someone does teach Rambo to kill in a cost effective manner Police are having to reduce the amount of target practice their recruits can get. That's right police are going to get worse at aiming. Which is not what we need when we are faced with an invasion of the Cow-Men™ /Gator-Men™ coalition.

If you want to find out more about rising metal prices and supply and demand visit Freakonomics.

Note: Due to a massive demand in truth from the general public and the miniscule supply coming from the press, politicians and big business the cost of truth is at an all time high. Unfortunately The End SA cannot afford these prices and cannot guarantee that this article is 100% true.

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postFriday, 18 April 2008

Man-Crush: Jason Segal

Sarah_Marshall_PosterThis weekend Forgetting Sarah Marshall opens in the states, which could mean big things for that life sized teddy bear of a man - Jason Segal.

Yes, I have a man crush on Jason Segal. Does that make me lame? I don’t care.

The goofy 6ft 4” actor first caught my attention in the Judd Apatow (40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up) created show Undeclared. Segal wasn’t a series regular but the episodes with him as the psycho boyfriend were the best of the short lived series. After all what is funnier than a guy who gives his girlfriend a pillow with his face printed on it? Note: This is also a favourite seduction technique of Deon Malan.

After seeing Undeclared I learned of the cult classic, which preceded it, Freaks and Geeks. Also produced by Judd Apatow and featuring Seth Rogan this great ode to 80’s and high school culture, was probably the best high-school series ever created. The fact that this show didn’t have a second season was a major bummer.

This time around Segal played Nick, a stoner drummer with no rhythm, who seemed to think the bigger the drum kit the better the drummer. Once again Segal played an overly obsessive boyfriend who has no understanding of boundaries.

Then Segal hit some prime time stability with How I Met Your Mother, one of the freshest sitcoms on TV. As Marshall Eriksen he plays less of a psycho and more of the general nice guy but is still milking the child like vulnerability for everything its worth.

Now due to the miracle of the Apatow power train (coming off two miss-fires with Walk-Hard and Drillbit Taylor) Segal gets to write and star in his own movie without any major Hollywood success.

Riding in his favour is that Forgetting Sarah Marshall is receiving very good reviews and the studio has executed a successful guerrilla marketing plan. In fact it’s going to be one of the few films in wide release that is fresh on Rotten Tomatoes.

On the negative side the trailers have not been ridiculously hilarious, although most of Apatow’s films have saved the laughs for the film and not the trailer. Also the film probably has a lot of R rated jokes that can’t make the trailer. Segal does do some full fontal nudity in the film for one thing.

It opens this weekend and analysts are predicting a 15m-16m opening in second place behind the Jacki Chan/Jet Li vehicle The Forbidden Kingdom. Let’s hope that Forgetting Sarah Marshall proves them wrong. Why? Because Jason Segal fucking rules.

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Just Expressing - The End of the World

killer_aligator_men Global warming - Global smorming. There is something much bigger danger approaching and it is going to lead to the end of all humanity (including Facebook)! Find out what it is - and no it's not a Lego invasion.


I was rummaging through the opinions and thoughts of Rommel Acebedo, who has an interesting blog by the way – give it a look (crisp layout), and discovered a post claiming that alligator blood is now going to be used as an antibiotic. Here is the skinny:

Biochemists from McNeese State University have described how proteins in gator blood may provide a source of powerful new antibiotics to help fight infections associated with diabetic ulcers and severe burns. This new class of drug could also crack so-called ’superbugs’ that are resistant to conventional medication. Previous studies have showed alligators have an unusually strong immune system; unlike humans, alligator immune systems can defend against microorganisms such as fungi, viruses, and bacteria without having prior exposure to them. Scientists believe that this is an evolutionary adaptation to promote quick wound healing, as alligators are often injured during fierce territorial battles.

Brings a whole new meaning to the term Gator Aid. This sounds a little too familure to something else, probably this:

Connors developed an experimental serum taken from reptilian DNA. He successfully regrew the missing limb of a rabbit and then, despite the warnings of his wife Martha, chose to test it on himself. Connors ingested the formula and his missing arm did indeed grow back. The formula had a horrible side effect; Connors was subsequently transformed into a reptilian humanoid monster. (from Wikipedia)

Yes this alligator DNA bears a striking resemblance to the origin of the Spiderman villain The Lizard. We all know what that means. Now, not only do we have to worry about the army of Cow-Men™ that Monkey Boy has mentioned, but also an invasion of Gator-Men™.

What if these two join forces? Together they can storm the land and sea. We will be forced to live in planes and with airline service the way it is, it might just be a better option to battle the genetic freaks.

Thanks for the heads up Rommel. We’ve been warned world.

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GI Joe Costumes look like Fantasy Sex Outfits

GI_Joe Yes, this may look like a cheap role playing sex costume but it's actually a 1st look at Karolina Korkova as Cover Girl, in the new G.I Joe movie.

What Would Tyler Durden Do has an exclusive 1st look at the new character pics from the film. Including more images of Rachel Nichols as Scarlett and Ray Park as Snake Eyes as well as the first shots of Channing Tatum as Duke, Marlon Wayans as Ripcord,  Byung-hun Lee as Storm Shadow, Sienna Miller as The Baroness, and Dennis Quaid as General Hawk.

See the shots...

The shots seem to be pretty raw - you can still see Rachel Nichols acne scars. Also they look pretty stupid (especially Quaid), which is disappointing because the 1st shots of Park were great. It looks like they want to get a Playboy tie in to reduce the budget. No hope for these troops when the cows attack.


UPDATE: Durden has removed the shots due to Universal threatening them but still have them up. Which also means I was right about these being untouched shots. Here are the thumbnails below.

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What to Tell Your Kids About Your Plastic Surgery

My_Beautiful_Mommy Dr Michael Salzhauer, a plastic surgeon, has written a picture book to help mothers explain to their 4-7 year olds that they are getting plastic surgery.

Apparently, little kids can get freaked out when their mom comes home looking like she fought Mike Tyson. Future books in the series will include. My Daddy the Serial KillerWhy Mommy plays with Humberto the Gardener? and Why Daddy plays with Humberto the Gardener?

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Money Buys Happiness

happy_money Two economists claim that money buys happiness. But if money buys happiness, and money pays your taxes doesn't that mean that paying your taxes should make you happy. Looks like two more smart people are actually not so much. Find out how you can cure depression with a giant wad of cash.

Most of us don’t get our kicks out of attaching a R100 note to a fish hook and some line, then lowering it down a building and suddenly yanking it away whenever an excited homeless person tries to grab it (shame on you Marcus Stelloh). But most of us do get some form of happiness from having more money than others.

At least this has been the consensus since a 1974 study by Richard Easterlin was published. However, the study had some unexpected results known as the Easterlin Paradox.

To sum up the three observations:

  1. Within a society, rich people tend to be much happier than poor people.
  2. But, rich societies tend not to be happier than poor societies (or not by much).
  3. As countries get richer, they do not get happier.

This little bit of information made the relationship between financing and happiness a relative statistic. Thus, it did not matter if you had less than those in other countries because all that mattered was that you were richer than those around you.

This little paradox has been exploited by the press, hippies and a couple of munchkins to illustrate that money doesn’t buy happiness. As opposed to the fact that people are superficial and want to be number one in their space.

However, now an Aussie with a ponytail and an American who hardly ever blinks have disputed the Easterlin Paradox. There new study basically observes the following:

  1. Rich people are happier than poor people.
  2. Richer countries are happier than poorer countries.
  3. As countries get richer, they tend to get happier.

This is pretty groundbreaking because as anyone who reads the Bible knows, Esterlin is infallible and if the new research, from Wolfers and Stevenson, is accepted by the greater economic community it would prove him wrong – undoing all creation and effectively ending all life (that might be wrong but it’ll sell newspapers).

Wolfers and Stevenson claim that the new findings are due to errors in collecting data among countries.

I, however, am not so convinced, although I’m sure the press will mount this like Paris Hilton to ‘any moving object’. Of course I haven’t read the whole study yet (it’s over 70 pages and I’ve known about it for an hour) but from what I can assess is the following:

  • This is what I’d call a meta-study based on large quantities of different studies that are not standardized whatsoever. Meaning that the generalization of the findings is problematic.
  • The world has changed in the last 30 years and there is far more global awareness. People in poor countries probably know more now about the better living conditions of their foreign counterparts than before. Meaning the study might not have taken the trend of globablization into account, which might make it as though we are living in the same country (it’s a small world after all).
  • There is no proof that the people conducting the surveys weren’t using candy to sway the results.

Look how unhappy us South African’s are:


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