Where have all the Nazis gone?

We all know that Captain America defeated Hitler during WW2, but what happened to the rest of the Nazis? We sent Nim Chimpsky in to investigate.Disclaimer: I am not a Nazi I just find individuals who believe in completely irrational things fascinating.

Since their heyday the Nazis have virtually disappeared off the face of the earth. So what do these neo-Nazis actually get up to? Most sit quietly in their homes afraid that anyone will ever find out about their dark secrets- their basements full of Nazi war memorabilia, and their O-Town records.

Other neo-Nazis are members of political groups and forums (like Overthrow.com and Stormfront), but what do they do with their time?

Do they hold secret meetings planning to take over the world? Or do they just get together and have Mein Kampf slumber parties? Or perhaps they are simply political lemmings who only keep up the charade in the hope of scoring some hot Nazi poontang.

Anyway, I took some time to check out what neo-Nazism is all about.

Although there isn’t a unified code which all neo-Nazi groups follow, essentially, most neo-Nazis stand for: white supremacy, anti-semitism, xeonophobia, nationalism, and fetishes for small Hitler moustaches. Neo-Nazis often use the symbols of Nazi Germany, such as the Swastika, Sig Runes, and the red-white-black color scheme. However, since some countries have laws prohibiting the expression of pro-Nazi, racist or anti-Semitic views it’s no wonder that these angst-ridden individuals don’t get the chance to make more noise (and show off
their cool moustaches).

Now, lets do a bit of word association. I say a word and you say the first thing that comes to mind. Ok. “NEO-NAZI”.

Well most of you are probably thinking that neo-Nazis are poorly educated, have large death-metal collections, infatuations with Darth Vader, and a generous side portion of PENIS ENVY.

Well in order to see how valid your claims are it seems only fair to hear straight from the Nazi’s mouth. Unfortunately, I don’t know anyone dumb enough to be a Nazi, so the best bet was to explore some of the content they propagate on the Net. Of course, I am aware that there is a slight chance that I happened to stumble across the small bunch of goobers who completely misinterpret what being a racist is and ruin the good Nazi name. However, I think it’s a pretty safe bet.

Racism:

So lets get the basics out of the way. When I said “Nazi” you all thought RACISTS!!!!!!! And you would indeed be correct. Check out the article “Once You Go Black, You Might Not Come Back” posted on overthrow.com (a popular "white supremacist" website) which claims that inter-racial relationships are dangerous for white women.

They state that: “Blacks men are more likely to kill or batter women who engage in relationships with them than any other race.

Most white women who date or mate with black men are either physically disfigured, often by morbid obesity, or are mentally or emotionally ill.”

Education:

It’s difficult to judge the degree to which most neo-Nazis have been educated. However, it seems fair to assume that most racists are morons (I won’t go into details here, but if you disagree we can debate this claim later). And perhaps they are morons because they were poorly educated (a healthy amount of circular reasoning). Besides, some of the things these neo-Nazi bloggers write make George Bush sound like a real Harvard graduate.

On the various neo-Nazi forums there is much discussion of Nietzsche and his writings (given that Nietzsche is frequently caricatured as a Nazi philosopher). However, very little of the discussion was academic and perhaps most neo-Nazi readers of Nietzsche are just looking for advice on how to cultivate a fluffy moustache.

Bill White, the commander of the American National Socialist Workers Party also has a very interesting definition of Leftism (which seemed fitting under the education section):

“Leftism is essentially a philosophy of disorder and, really, hatred. It has hatred for all systems, all differentation, and all uniqueness -- and since everything is unique, differentiated from its peers, and ordered, either better or worse, the more one understands the left, the more one engages in a celebration of the worst.”

Hatred of Jewish People:

No surprises here. Almost all the content on sites like overthrow.com expresses a hatred of Jewish people. Various claims I read referred to “Jewish Propaganda” and “Jewish plans to control the world”, but as you would expect these claims were not referenced nor were they backed up by any arguments or research.

The Real Reason Neo-Nazis are Angry:

While I didn’t find any decisive evidence about neo-Nazis having large death-metal collections, and infatuations with Darth Vader, it was clear that they suffer from horrible bouts of PENIS ENVY.

Take a small meander through the article “Whites Have Bigger Cocks Than Blacks:Scientific Study Proves It” for confirmation that neo-Nazis (at least the males) are extremely obsessed with the size of their equipment. Here's what they say:

A scientific study has proven that white men have bigger cocks than blacks, despite lies about black sexuality perpetrated in Jewish mass media and pornography.

For decades, whites have had to listen to the insulting and false derision of Jewish propaganda claiming that African barbarians have giant cocks that somehow make white women attracted to them. While very few white women are actually attracted to blacks, and most of those of those who are are mentally, emotionally, or physically defectice in some way, this myth has been eagerly propagated by Jewish entertainment media, Jewish movies, Jewish music, and, most importantly, Jewish pornography.

Like all Jewish myths about black "superiority", such as alleged black musical ability, alleged black dancing ability, alleged black sports ability, and alleged black entertainment ability, the myth of giant black cocks has been proven to be a racist lie designed by Jews to psychologically undermine white society.

Yip. Penis Envy. Coupled with unsubstantiated claims and idiotic racism.

But, if you have any desire to abandon logic, reason and humanity here are a few links to help you on your quest to become a Neo-Nutsy: (REMEMBER: you could always settle half-way and become a Republican)

National Vanguard
Stormfront
Overthrow.com
American Nazi Party
Aryan Nations
Taiwan Nazi Group

And, if you want more information, straight from the Nazi’s mouth, you could always sign up for an info pack now for a mere $5 from americannaziparty.com.

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Band of the Week: The Notwist

If you're thinking The Notwist are band of the week, your right.It’s time to throw out your old 90’s pop records and embrace something new by reading a little section called Band of the Week (where I tell you what you should be listening to).

The Notwist started out as a sub-par punk band in Germany in 1989, but they have slowly evolved into an awesome alternative electronic outfit ala Autechre and Radiohead.

Neon Golden, released in 2003, is an indie-electronica treat. It boasts layered harmonies and great beats.

Album Rating: 8/10

Great Tracks: Check out “Consequence” and “One with the Freaks”.
And do yourself a favour and get hold of “Neon Golden” by any means necessary.

Hear Some Shit: Check out there myspace page.

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Get the Message

Ever wonder what would happen if you SMS’ed too much. Neither did we but here’s a story about it anyway.

Since the beginning of time man has been trying to find new and convenient means to communicate across great distances. The first attempts consisted of relaying information verbally via point to point through the groundbreaking concept of the messenger. An expertly trained individual with a steel-trap memory who would travel great distances, accompanied by a delightful puffy hat (at least in my mind), to perform his service.

Then one day some drunk invented the symbol. Soon these symbols were combined to create writing. This set in motion a never-ending war that continues to this day between symbolic and verbal communication. Soon the messenger’s steel-trap memory was replaced by a new invention known only as the letter (the French invented a very different version of this). Fortunately the messengers were able to keep their jobs, travelling great distances to deliver letters and cavort with foreign women (which is probably why the French invented their version of the letter).

Then came the telegraph, another blow to verbal communication and this time the messenger (who sadly would never recover). Suddenly symbolic communication could be transported great distances far quicker then it could by messenger, as telegraphs seldom stop to cavort with foreign women.

It seemed verbal communication would never return to its former glory but this view was quickly dismissed when a Scottish guy (so yes another drunk) levelled the playing fields with the invention of the telephone. Soon verbal communication quickly reclaimed its place as the dominant form because telegraph sex just isn’t hot.

For most of the 20th century the telephone dominated communication but towards the end SMS (Short Message Service) came out of the shadows. SMS was originally thought to be so pointless that the American cellular industry decided to make it a free service. Today it is the most widely used cell phone feature (at least in this country).

As everyone does when a cultural phenomenon arises I decided to sit down and ask that very important question: “How does this affect us socially?”

The Reign of the Question Talker:

What is more irritating than a question talker? Quite simply nothing is more irritating than a question talker. Possibly the most annoying habit anyone can pick up is question talking, the process of posing a question and than instantly answering it. Being around these people constantly brings up hot flushes and memories of really irritating teachers.

What do question talkers have to do with SMSing? A lot. SMSing becomes an addiction. Addicts lie still clenching their phone in hand waiting for those crave ending beeps to materialize out of thin air. To ensure a constant stream of SMS’s addicts type vigorously and provide at least one question in each SMS to increase the chance of replies.

The constant use of questions is bound to internalise itself in your mind and effect your interaction with people in real life. Soon this phenomenon will expand into all spheres; questions will become the primary form of communication. When there are only questions the question mark becomes redundant and life as we know it will be changed forever.

Roxanne Syndrome:

For those of you who have not seen the Steve Martin movie Roxanne based on the play, Cyrano de Bergerac, by Edmond Rostand, it is a story about two men who fall for the same woman. The older of the two does not believe he has a chance, due to his ridiculously large nose, and decides to help out the younger one by writing romantic letters and poems for him. Naturally, the woman falls in love via these exchanges with one small problem: the man she thinks she is in love with is not that man at all.

Back in the day standard dating protocol was to meet someone, get a number and give them a call. These days it is generally the same but the call has been replaced by an SMS. People begin their relationships with long SMS courtships. Obviously there is no way of knowing who you are actually communicating with, I can’t count the number of times a friend has passed me his phone and said, ”Say something that will get me laid.” All over the country people are falling for someone who is not the person they think they are falling for, in other words, Roxanne Syndrome.

The Cram Effect:

A SMS has a 160-character limit and this results in one of two things. Either a message is crammed full of useless information to make the most of the character count or a long message is trimmed down to make it fit into the character count.

As people become conditioned (al la Pavlov’s dog) to respond in short 160 character statements they will take it over to their social interaction. Conversation will become pointless as no one will have anything meaningful to say. Martians will invade, force us to learn their language, breed with our women and in time our differences will be forgotten (stolen Family Guy Joke).

The SMS Break-up:

Break-ups are always awkward and let’s be honest hardly anyone enjoys breaking up with someone. There have always been those cowardly few who refuse to bite the bullet and do it face to face by finding other means; before the telephone their was that awkward moment when you would hand someone the note. Then there was the awkward silence when you broke the news telephonically. Now you can simply combine the two with a single SMS and a verification report ensures you that they have received the news.

You are probably thinking what could be lower than an SMS break-up. Well there is one thing: the Internet SMS break-up. What a slap in the face , to let someone know the relationship was not even worth the 80c of a regular SMS. Harsh.

Increased Anxiety:

Sometimes we send messages that we want or need replies to, with a phone call a response is instantaneous (and an unanswered phone generally means the person is unavailable) but with SMS there are so many possibilities: They might not have their phone on them; they are avoiding you; they forgot to reply; they are out of airtime. While you are waiting for a reply, which may never come, many of these thoughts (and hundreds of other scenarios) will be running through your head and with this increased anxiety. This is bound to cause high blood pressure in years to come and result in lower human life expectancies.

Note: This story was originally published in Excess Magazine.

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The Silly Rabbit Tour

If you haven't heard this Indie band then check this out.Fire Through the Window are launching their debut album with The Silly Rabbit Tour (see blog wallpaper for tour dates). They were signed to Witchdoctor Records before they played a gig and this will be the first chance many people will have to catch them in action.

A softer gentler sound oscillates from their direction, opting for catchy poppy songs rather than the heavier sound of many of their fellow Witchdoctor alumni (think Dashboard Confessional meets The Von Trapp Family). Plus guitarist/vocalist Marc de la Querra is currently sporting a greasy white trash moustache, which is bound to amuse the young and old alike.

Check out their website or myspace page to hear their material.

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How to be Cool

It’s always a good idea to take advice from a guy with a weird haircut. Trust us, it always is.

This guy has some... interesting ideas. Right?

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Lighter/Erotica

You don’t think lighters are erotic? Well then you obviously haven’t read this.There is nothing more erotic than a man and his lighter. Oh, the sweet feeling of plastic against flesh as one thrusts upon the button causing the flint to grind, climaxing in a burst of fire. If you’re like the rest of us these thoughts probably don’t go through your mind, as you light up a smoke, at least not consciously.

According to psychoanalysts, however, this is what happens in our unconscious. Don’t dis it too quickly, because Ernest Dichter will tell you (if he was still alive) “it has been proved beyond any doubt that many of our daily decisions are governed by motivations over which we have no control and of which we are often quite unaware.”

Dichter, the father of motivational research, took Freudian psychoanalytical concepts to the advertising industry. Even if you think it’s a load of horse shit, psychoanalysis is being used in adverts to penetrate deep into your psyche. But now back to lighters.

Dichter believed that the main reason we use lighters is to feel powerful. Going far back into the history of man, our triumph over the elements, the ability to command fire has always been seen as one of our crowning achievements. The lighter provides modern man with the training wheels version of fire starting.

The very fact that a lighter is so quick and efficient enhances this feeling of power. However, if a lighter fails it frustrates us because we cannot accomplish our need for a feeling of mastery and control. Of course it wouldn’t be psychoanalysis without throwing in some sex, thus, the lighter is fused unconsciously with the idea of sexual potency.

So, whenever a lighter fails to work for you, you are experiencing something similar to impotence. Think about that the next time you light up. Oh, and plus this basically means smokers are people who feel weak in life and smoke to overcome this (unless of course they are into lighting their cigarettes by rubbing two sticks together).

Note: The preceding argument was based on one by Ernest Dichter in The Handbook of Consumer Motivation and The Strategy of Desire.

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Why Christians are Closed-Minded

Ever ran into a brick wall? Then you might understand what its like arguing against a fanatical Christian. Here’s why…
“Knowledge is Evil, they both grew on the same tree” – Roland Barthes

As far as openings go, the Bible takes the cake. After babbling on about seven days it introduces us to Adam and Eve, a lovely naked couple that spent their days frolicking in the Garden of Eden. The garden was a paradise stocked with more food and talking animals than the entire Disney catalogue.

There was only one catch. Adam and Eve were forbidden from eating the fruit of the apple tree. Apparently God wasn’t such a fan of the old saying, “an apple a day keeps the doctor away.” Then one day a serpent (or a penis if you’re a Freudian) came along and tempted Eve to try the apple.

We all know what happens next: Eve convinces Adam to partake in the orgy and bite into that luscious apple. Then the two of them have second thoughts about being nudists and model leaf attire. God returns, and most likely upset that there is no longer nudity in the Garden of Eden, banishes the two delinquents for disobeying him.

Yes, it’s a simple tale but at the same time a very complex one. There are many negative lessons that can be learned from it, such as racism (think fat inbred KKK members) and sexism (think Jacob Zuma). But the most important discovery to be made within the mythology of the tale is the answer to that age-old question, “Why the hell are Christians so closed-minded?” Note, before filling this post with hateful comments this article is mainly aimed at fanatical Christians.

The answer, “Christians are closed-minded because that’s what their religion teaches them.” Adam and Eve were not forbidden from eating from the tree of murder, or the tree of lust, anger, malice, child molestation, smoking, carbohydrates. No they were forbidden to eat from the tree of knowledge. From day one the rules are spelt out, if you want to be with God you must be ignorant. You must be unquestioning. And you must be naked (metaphorically).

If you choose to disregard this you will be banished forever. Christians are closed-minded because that is the 1st lesson the book offers. Yes, I’m sure later on the Bible contradicts itself and says knowledge is important, but the point is, in a world were people often stop reading after a couple of pages, the Bibles first lesson is that knowledge is evil.

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Clerks Parody

It's kind of like Clerks, except Captain America is behind the counter... right...

Just stumbled upon this classic Clerks parody by powerhouse animation. It features Captain America and Daredevil in the Dante and Randal roles. There is also a homage to American History X at the end.

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Spiderman 3 and Advertising

Rob Scott trys to explain why Spiderman 3 made people drink lots of coke... or is it why coke made people watch Spiderman 3? I don't know it's something like that...
If you thought the only thing Spiderman 3 taught you was that an alien symbiote would turn you Emo you were wrong. The film offers the perfect metaphor for how advertising works.

Ground Zero:

It’s obvious what advertising is meant to do: there are a large amount of products in the world and many of them are similar, thus, advertising is brought in to differentiate various products.

Now consider Spiderman 3, in this little setup you have Spiderman, the alien costume and Eddy Brock (Venom). At the beginning of the movie Spiderman is the only one with any real power and this has been pre-established (Spiderman 1, radioactive spider bite, you know the drill). In real life this is paralleled by cultural signs, which are basically anything that means anything in society, for example if you see a mansion you think wealth, if you see George Clooney you think stylish rich guy (see this for further explanation of signs).

Symbiosis:

Then Spiderman merges with the alien costume. Just as an advert will take a product like Coke or Nike and put it together with a celebrity, a lifestyle, or imagery that is meaningful in society. In the movie Spiderman gains additional power from this in reality the celebrity gains additional income.

Once this merger takes place there is a process of transference. The alien costume obtains the same powers that Spiderman has. The product in the ad obtains the same qualities as whatever it is being advertised with. Thus when you see George Clooney in an ad for coffee you start to associate that particular coffee with George Clooney.

But wait Spiderman also changed during this process right? Yes the alien costume amplified his powers and made him more aggressive. In the same way that as whatever is being used to sell a product also changes the celebrity. If you hate coffee and think it should be illegal, since you view it as a harmful drug, your opinion of Clooney will change. You will like him less and maybe not pay to see Oceans 18.

A New Host:

Eventually Spiderman gets rid of the costume and then it comes into the possession of Eddy Brock. The costume in turn gives Eddy Spiderman’s powers. This is the final stage of advertising, now that we associate a product with certain qualities; we purchase the product in hope that it will transfer these onto us. So to sum up: We think David Beckham kicks ass (who the hell knows why). We see Beckham advertising Adidas. We buy Adidas in hopes to be more like Beckham.

Remember Beckham is a complex sign what he means will vary from person to person. One person may like him because he is sexy another will because he is talented. So they are both buying Adidas for different reasons: one to be sexy and one to be talented. This is why celebrities (or at least certain celebrities) are often used in advertising, because they contain so many different meaning to different people that they have a further reach then basic lifestyle imagery.

In conclusion, I just got off the phone with Sam Rami who says that Spiderman 4 will be a metaphor for Marxism and cramming too many villains into one film.

Note: The preceding argument was based on one by Judith Williamson in Decoding Advertising.

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The Thundercats are Coming

Thundercats is coming to the big screen. That’s right those walking, talking, giant alien kitties are going to be showing at a theatre near you in the eventual future.Thundercats is coming to the big screen. That’s right those walking, talking, giant alien kitties are going to be showing at a theatre near you in the eventual future. For those of you who don’t know, Thundercats is a cult 1980’s animated series that ran from 1985-1987. The Tundercats are a group of humanoid cats who’s planet, Thundera, is destroyed and crash land on a new world. There they encounter the evil sorcerer, Mumm-Ra, and his posse who have it in for the Tcats.

Variety reports that the film will be an origin story focusing on Lion-O becoming the team leader. Warner Brothers has optioned a script by Paul Sopocy (this will be his first studio movie). Paula Weinstein’s (Blood Diamond, Perfect Storm) Spring Creek Productions will produce with Dick Robertson and Lew Korman.

Vin Diesel is rumoured to play Panthro. Ok that’s not true but there is a similarity between the two.

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