Talk Crap like a Pro for Free

I have two orifices - a mouth and an ass. Crap comes out of both of them. Learn how to talk crap for free. Advice that will change your life or at least waste your time.

I’m almost 99.9% certain that the above Family Guy joke is a reference to Robert Kiyosaki. For those of you who don’t know, Kiyosaki is the tool who peddles “get rich” books such as Rich Dad Poor Dad. The man should get an award for talking crap. Seriously, he is my hero.

Kiyosaki has constructed a multi-million dollar fortune on nothing but his utterances of crap. He has written 18 books and sold somewhere around 26 million copies. This article is not going to go deep into Kiyosaki’s manure and explain why his books are crap but if you wish to find out read this article where John T. Reed really lays in to him.

In 2006 ABC’s 20/20 did a feature on Kiyosaki. Kiyosaki gave three nobodies a lecture, then they were sent off with $1000 and 20 days to make a profit. In all fairness the three nobodies were obviously morons. Anyway, right at the start of this experiment Kiyosaki tries to back himself up and says, “I hate to say it, but nine out of 10 do fail.”

Fantastic, the man is only willing to claim a 10% success rate. They should stick that on the cover of his next book. “Proven to give you a 10% chance of getting rich.” In addition there is no proof that Kiyosaki was rich before his books (he was however bankrupt), it is now basically assumed that he generated all his wealth from his books.

This is where the value of talking crap comes into play. Just imagine (insert flashback haze and sound effects here) Kiyosaki sitting on the street corner crying, “Boo hoo, I am so sad. I am bankrupt and have no money. Boo hoo, I wish there was a book I could read that could make me rich. Hey wait a second! I’m sure there are millions of losers like me who want to be rich. If I write a book about it I’m bound to make millions. Yippee!!!”

Of course Kiyosaki had no idea how to get rich. So he wrote a book filled with crap promising that it might make you rich… but that it also might make you fail… but that that is a good thing (his claims). Genius! Now I’m no financial expert like Kiyosaki so I’m not taking full advantage of this opportunity. That’s right I should be selling you a book teaching you how to talk crap because as the above testimonial proves that’s a great skill to have. But instead I’m going to give you some free advice.

Firstly, the more crap you read the better you’ll be at producing it. Try reading Valentin’s blog he writes so much quality crap there may be a shortage soon or you could just read Rich Dad Poor Dad. Secondly, if you are too God damn lazy to write your own crap use this post-modern essay generator.

Every time you load the page you’ll generate a completely new load of post-modern crap. Push it a couple hundred times and you’ll have your first book and be on your way to making millions. Have fun.

Oh and here are some other random generators to help you out:

Adolescent Poetry - Angst ridden poetry that you could have written when you were 16 and no one would sleep with you.
Band Names - Names for bands or trailer park kids.
Subgenius Brag - Let your friends know you’re great even if you don’t know how to say it.
Time Cube - I have no fucking clue what this is.

If you are not fully satisfied with this article you can have double your money back.

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Gavin Hood to Direct Wolverine

A South African's making a comic book movie, and a big one at that.Variety reports that South Africa’s very own Gavin Hood is set to direct Fox’s big budget comic book film Wolverine. Hugh Jackman will reprise his role as the mutant hero.

"I have long been a fan of Gavin's work and know he will make a masterful film with the character intensity and action beats the fans expect," said Jackman.

Hood best known for his academy award winning foreign language film Tsotsi will begin production on the film in November for a 2008 release. The film will be produced by Lauren Shuler-Donner, John Palermo and, Wolverine himself, Hugh Jackman.

Based on a screenplay by David Benioff, the spin off of the X-Men franchise will focus on Wolverine’s mysterious past in the Weapon X Project.

I’m fairly certain the film will be eyeing a summer release, which (I think) would make it the first ever summer blockbuster to be helmed by a South African.

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How to Add Post Teasers to Beta Blogger

Blogger hacks aren’t our normal topic of conversation but since one of our own came up with this all by himself we’ll make an exception. If you want pretty little teasers on your blog to entice your audience read on.
Maybe you’ve notice over the last few days that all the posts on our main pages have been getting converted into teasers. If not check it out quickly. You’ll notice that most of the time the content in the teaser is different from the content on the main post page. That’s because I’ve discovered a new blogger hack which I’m calling teaser posts. It is basically a modification of the expandable post option with the following advantages:

1) You can have a unique introduction in the teaser and the post as opposed to the main page having the regular introduction.
2) You can have different pictures or different sized pictures on the main page and the post page.

If you would like to do this carry on reading.

First, from the blogger dashboard go to settings/archiving and enable post pages. Then follow the guide to adding expandable posts here at Beta Blogger for Dummies. Once you’ve done that you should have made three important changes to your blog.

1) You will have inserted this code:

<style>
<b:if cond='data:blog.pageType == "item"'>
span.fullpost {display:inline;}
<b:else/>
span.fullpost {display:none;}
</b:if>
</style>

between your </head> tag and your ]]></b:skin> tag.

2) You will have inserted this code:

<b:if cond='data:blog.pageType != "item"'>
<a expr:href='data:post.url'>Read more!</a>
</b:if>

after this line of code: <data:post.body/>

3) Finally, you have gone to the settings section of the blogger dashboard. From here you have clicked on the formatting section and inserted the following code into the post template box:

Here is the beginning of my post. <span class="fullpost">And here is the rest of it.</span>

Note: I have just shat out this process for a detailed explanation of how to do it go to Beta Blogger for Dummies as mentioned above. Now let me quickly explain what everything does:

1) This creates a section in you post. With the addition of this section your posts now have two possible sections. The first section will show on your main page and the post page, the second section, however, will only be displayed on the post page.

2) You have added a read more link. This will appear at the end of every post on the main page and it takes you to the individual posts page when clicked allowing the viewer to see both sections of the post.

3) You have added code to your post template to make it easy for you to place your content in the relevant sections of your post. The first section is not marked by anything but everything you want to only show on the posts page must be in between the <span class="fullpost">tag and the </span> tag.

Now if you want to create teaser posts you will have to make changes to steps 1 and 3. To make a teaser post you are basically just adding a new section to your post, so after this you will have 3 sections in a post instead of 2.

To add the new section insert this code above the code you inserted in step 1:

<style>
<b:if cond='data:blog.pageType == "item"'>
span.teaser {display:none;}
<b:else/>
span.teaser {display:inline;}
</b:if>
</style>

Then in your dashboard/settings/formatting section replace the previous code in your post template box with this:

<span class="teaser">Insert teaser here.</span><span class="fullpost">Insert body of post here.</span>

Now your posts have the following three sections:

1) Teaser section: Anything between the <span class="teaser">tag and </span>tag will only appear on the main page and not on the post page.
2) Normal section: Anything that is not between span class tags will appear on both pages.
3) Post section: Anything between the <span class="fullpost">tag and </span>tag will only appear on the post page.

This obviously opens up your formatting to far more than just the basic teaser setup we’ve been using. So have fun experimenting with all the different combinations. Also it can be a bit tricky at first to format these successfully and you can basically forget about your blogger preview as being a useful reference point. My best piece of advice for formatting is make sure there are no spaces before and after span tags.

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Porn Addiction causes Brain Damage

Stih yrsot si ont icdylaamlec dnuos. Did you get that? No, you might have brain damage from Internet porn.


A recent experiment of The End’s proved two things:

1) There are people on the Internet searching for porn (duh!)
2) People don’t read.

Let’s deal with the second point. In all the forums we posted the link to the experiment the majority of the comments complained that:

1) These pictures were old.
2) These images were not porn.

Which is true but is also explained in the post.

Now to deal with people and their porn. Do you view lots of Internet porn, well you may be addicted. Yes, you can get addicted to porn. A recent study at Pointless Waste of Time discovered that approximately 55% of all regular porn users are addicted.

The study defined porn as "any picture or video you suddenly lose interest in after masturbating”, (yes that’s also the best definition of porn I’ve ever heard).

In addition there was a Pavlovian style click test in the article. Basically there are three points in the article that claim to link to porn. Once clicked the viewer is taken to a page that informs them that there is no porn on any of these links and that they should stop clicking. As of writing this article 83% of people who clicked the first image clicked the second link and 89% of people who clicked the first clicked the third. Which proves that horny people are stupid.

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Band of the Week: Dntel

Life is full of possibilities and so is this article about Dntel, read on.Jimmy Tamborello is one talented son of a bitch. He’s involved in about 2 billion music projects, and all of them are great. If you haven’t heard of Dntel you may be more familiar with Tamborello’s collaboration with Death Cab for Cutie’s Ben Gibbard (The Postal Service). And if you haven’t heard of The Postal Service there is still time to make amends.

The day’s order is Life is Full of Possibilities. One of my favourite electronic albums! You’d never guess that the album was more than 7 years old and that Tamborello produces all his work from his bedroom studio. You can check out a list of his studio gear here if you are interested (if not you might be interested in visiting this link which is a doorway to the most exciting news I have ever heard).

Tamborello is a master of production and he merges graceful glitch electronica with a number of amazing guest vocalists from the indie-music scene including Ben Gibbard and Rachel Haden. Dntel have a brand new album out now called “Dumb Luck”, so go buy it.

Great Tracks: “Why I’m So Unhappy” gives the album its finest moment (specifically at 2:52 when Haden introduces the best melody I have ever heard. This track is music, and Haden has the perfect voice). “Anywhere Anyone” and “(This is) The Dream of Evan and Chan” (which, incidentally, was the first time Gibbard and Tamborello met).

Album Rating: 8/10

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Hot New Pics of Paris Touching Herself

Oh, yes, this is how low we’ve dropped to get hits. Take a look…

Nope sorry we don’t stock porn.

However, it could be argued that she is indeed touching herself in this picture. Or I could have shown a picture of Paris on Larry King where she not only touched herself but everyone watching with her heart warming stories about how she read the bible to get through those tough prison nights.

One slight problem: THE WOMAN CANNOT READ. But apparently she absolutely loves the The New Testament Picture Bible: All Time Best Selling Picture Bible, and who wouldn’t (JC does have an impressive beard). Get your copy today!

Sorry to hold you up when clearly you were after a date with your knuckle children. It was for scientific research.

Well since I’ve still got a small percentage of the people who clicked on this article’s attention maybe it would be a good time to look at some statistics for Internet Porn Consumption. Yip not quite what you were after I’m sure (“That’s worse than cuddling!” I heard someone say).

OK- there was stacks of information and statistics but I won’t bore you with all the details. Basically, the consumption of porn on the Internet is huge (I couldn’t believe it either!). There are lots and lots of people looking at porn on the Internet.

If you are really keen to find out more check out this link.

2006 Search Engine Request Keyword Trends
Top Worldwide Search Requests
Keyword: “porn”
1. South Africa
2. Ireland
3. New Zealand
4. United Kingdom
5. Australia

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Band of the Week: Bloc Party

Bloc Party take indie music to levels other bands can only dream about in their skinny jeans.In one sentence: Intelligent Indie-Rock you can dance to or admire from a pair of headphones…

The British quartet’s debut album Silent Alarm is a masterpiece.

Tracks like “Helicopter” and “Banquet”’s swift use of counterpoint make for great dancing tracks, while other stand out tracks “Blue Light”, “Pioneers”, and the rock epic “So Here We Are” take indie music to levels other bands can only dream about in their skinny jeans. Listen to “Like Eating Glass” and admire Matt Tong showing that he is easily one of the best drummers in modern rock music.

Album Rating: 9/10

After a touring frenzy the band released their follow-up album, Weekend in the City, earlier this year.

The album’s production leans strongly towards the 80’s at times with a mass of dense delays and reverbs. In terms of content, Weekend in the City falls far short of greatness, especially when compared to Silent Alarm, but the album still has enough decent moments to keep fans busy: great lyrics about consumption and sub-culture trendoids (“Uniform”), perfect harmony with a bit of glockenspiel (“Waiting for the 7.18”) and fucking cool riffs (“Kreuzberg”). The final climax of the closing track “SRXT” is cinematic.

Album rating: 7 /10

Here Some Shit: Check out their myspace page.

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And the Cameo Goes to…

You didn’t know they were making an Iron Man movie? Then you probably haven’t heard all the cameo gossip either.There has been much speculation surrounding the new Iron Man film about possible cameos. Reports have flared up that; Samuel L. Jackson will have a cameo as Nick Fury head of Shield, Hillary Swank will cameo as a shield agent, possibly The Black Widow; and finally that the movie’s director, Joe Favrea, will have a cameo as a Vegas security guard.

Favrea recently made the following announcement on his MySpace page:

Third. Cameos. I've read that Sam Jackson and Hilary Swank are Shield agents and that I myself play a Vegas security guard. There is no truth to any of these rumors.

(Well, maybe one is true.)

I personally feel if only one is true then it is the security guard cameo (although secretly I’m hoping for Jackson as Fury.) Who does everyone else feel will have the cameo?

Find all the latest Iron Man news here.

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Driver is Lara Croft

Who’s the new Tomb Raider? If the headline didn’t give it away you better read the rest.Minnie Driver will be the voice of Lara Croft in Tomb Raider ReVisoned a new animated series from GameTap. The series will be available free at GameTap from July 10. A new episode will be made available every week till August 23.

The first three-part instalment will be helmed by Peter Chung, the creator of Aeon Flux. With following instalments involving creative talents such as Peter Chung, Jim Lee, Warren Ellis, Cully Hamner, Gail Simone, David Alvarez, Michael Stackpole, Brian Pulido, and Christos Gage. I’m personally looking forward to the Jim Lee and Warren Ellis instalments.

"World-famous writers and artists are each doing their own version of Lara Croft, telling a different story the way they see the character," said Ricardo Sanchez, from GameTap. Find an interview with Sanchez about the project here.

Presumably, the announcement of Driver was delayed to generate additional hype before the launch on Tuesday, otherwise Driver will be very busy this weekend (chuckle…no one else? Ok.). Watch the trailer below.

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