Talk Crap like a Pro for Free

I have two orifices - a mouth and an ass. Crap comes out of both of them. Learn how to talk crap for free. Advice that will change your life or at least waste your time.

I’m almost 99.9% certain that the above Family Guy joke is a reference to Robert Kiyosaki. For those of you who don’t know, Kiyosaki is the tool who peddles “get rich” books such as Rich Dad Poor Dad. The man should get an award for talking crap. Seriously, he is my hero.

Kiyosaki has constructed a multi-million dollar fortune on nothing but his utterances of crap. He has written 18 books and sold somewhere around 26 million copies. This article is not going to go deep into Kiyosaki’s manure and explain why his books are crap but if you wish to find out read this article where John T. Reed really lays in to him.

In 2006 ABC’s 20/20 did a feature on Kiyosaki. Kiyosaki gave three nobodies a lecture, then they were sent off with $1000 and 20 days to make a profit. In all fairness the three nobodies were obviously morons. Anyway, right at the start of this experiment Kiyosaki tries to back himself up and says, “I hate to say it, but nine out of 10 do fail.”

Fantastic, the man is only willing to claim a 10% success rate. They should stick that on the cover of his next book. “Proven to give you a 10% chance of getting rich.” In addition there is no proof that Kiyosaki was rich before his books (he was however bankrupt), it is now basically assumed that he generated all his wealth from his books.

This is where the value of talking crap comes into play. Just imagine (insert flashback haze and sound effects here) Kiyosaki sitting on the street corner crying, “Boo hoo, I am so sad. I am bankrupt and have no money. Boo hoo, I wish there was a book I could read that could make me rich. Hey wait a second! I’m sure there are millions of losers like me who want to be rich. If I write a book about it I’m bound to make millions. Yippee!!!”

Of course Kiyosaki had no idea how to get rich. So he wrote a book filled with crap promising that it might make you rich… but that it also might make you fail… but that that is a good thing (his claims). Genius! Now I’m no financial expert like Kiyosaki so I’m not taking full advantage of this opportunity. That’s right I should be selling you a book teaching you how to talk crap because as the above testimonial proves that’s a great skill to have. But instead I’m going to give you some free advice.

Firstly, the more crap you read the better you’ll be at producing it. Try reading Valentin’s blog he writes so much quality crap there may be a shortage soon or you could just read Rich Dad Poor Dad. Secondly, if you are too God damn lazy to write your own crap use this post-modern essay generator.

Every time you load the page you’ll generate a completely new load of post-modern crap. Push it a couple hundred times and you’ll have your first book and be on your way to making millions. Have fun.

Oh and here are some other random generators to help you out:

Adolescent Poetry - Angst ridden poetry that you could have written when you were 16 and no one would sleep with you.
Band Names - Names for bands or trailer park kids.
Subgenius Brag - Let your friends know you’re great even if you don’t know how to say it.
Time Cube - I have no fucking clue what this is.

If you are not fully satisfied with this article you can have double your money back.